Over the Top (1987)

Fuck, how do I do this again? What is this about?

ah yes of course

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie from the 80s about arm wrestling. And evil old people. And being a trucker? This is "Why in God's Name Did Someone Let Sylvester Stallone Touch the Screenplay!"

aka Over the Top

Overview: Lincoln Hawk (often referred to as "Linc" for some reason) is a trucker who left his wife ten years ago because of reasons that aren't ever explained. He goes to pick his kid up from a weird military academy that accepts 8 year olds because of more reasons! They road trip and bond for like ten minutes and then it's an arm wrestling tournament for 50 minutes. ...Yeah.

Vampire's Kiss (1988)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex revisits a true masterpiece.

yesssssss.

Overview: Peter Lowe is a fucking crazy person who begins to think he's a vampire after a fling with a seductive lady who may or may not be a vampire and may or may not exist. Meanwhile, Lowe is the worst boss ever to an employee. Cage picks the dumbest accent ever to supposedly honor his father. He also rapes somebody.

"You know how it is."

Overkill (1987)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the wrong movie.

whoops

So, today I had actually intended to watch Overkill, a 90s movie starring Chuck Norris' ill-fated brother Aaron Norris. What could be better than watching a man try and fail to live up to his brother's B-movie stardom, I figured? However, due to my own carelessness and a misleading Netflix description, I ended up watching Overkill, an 80s movie starring nobody you've ever heard of. It ended up being blog-worthy material anyway, so I'm rolling with it.

Overview: Mickey Delaney is a no-nonsense L.A. cop who's convinced the Yakuza are out to take over the West Coast. He doesn't play by the rules, but he always gets his man. He teams up with a Tokyo cop visiting the U.S. after family tragedy to bring the fight to the Yakuza's doorstep. No jurisdiction, no warrants, no authority, no fucks given. That's Delaney's style.

no uniforms either

In case you haven't caught on, this is the quintessential 80s American action film: a rogue cop out for justice who doesn't care how many he buries to do the right thing. More after the break!

Things (1989)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the strangest goddamned thing he's ever seen.

"My name is not Inigo Montoya. You didn't kill my father. Prepare to live."

Overview: The movie opens with a man talking with a woman in a demon mask. He asks her to bear a child for him, as he and his wife haven't been able to. She strips silently, then goes to take a shower. When the man insists she doesn't need to freshen up, she states she's already borne his child and hands over a cradle. The man oohs and ahhs, but then the baby is a monster who attacks him. The man then wakes up from this dream that the movie spent the first ten minutes on. The significance of this is never really explained.

Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex sits through an uncomfortable borderline-porn that seemed to think way more people would be into sexy werewolves than actually were.

As usual, furries don't count

Overview: A Montana sheriff, Ben, is mourning his sister, Karen, who was killed in a bizarre incident while working as a TV news anchorwoman. His sort-of girlfriend (it's not really clear), who is also a reporter, has taken an interest in Karen's death as part of incidents involving "wild dogs" (emphasis most definitely mine). A well-dressed man informs the duo after the funeral that Karen was a werewolf after showing them "the lost tape" from her last broadcast (where she transforms on the air by putting on an ape mask and gets killed), and this of course inspires them to fight against a sexy werewolf army.

...That's never going to get any less creepy to type.

Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex goes back to his roots: cheesy 80s action flicks.

and never continues :(

Overview: Remo Williams is an ex-Marine turned cop who unwittingly fakes his own death. He is then recruited by a shadowy agency to be an assassin for the President, because of course he is. Racism and glorious 80s training montages ensue. When your movie states up-front that it's based on "The Destroyer" novel series, you know you're in for a helluva ride.

Solarbabies (1986)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex has traumatic flashbacks to Tank Girl.

Spoiler: none of these people

Overview: The Goonies, but apocalyptic and bad.That's it, I'm done. Go home. No Cage for you this time.

Zardoz (1984)

Forget everything you think you know about bad movies. I just saw the king of them all.

Yes, that is Sean Connery in a thong.

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

It's bad.

It's so fucking bad.

Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, I sat through Battle Beyond the Stars, a delightful film that... oh wait, it's on this blog. No. It's terrible.

The lower-middle class man's Star Wars.