Solarbabies (1986)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex has traumatic flashbacks to Tank Girl.

Spoiler: none of these people

Overview: The Goonies, but apocalyptic and bad.That's it, I'm done. Go home. No Cage for you this time.

eXistenZ (1999)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex is betrayed. From the director of the peerless Videodrome comes a complete piece of drivel that I'm half-convinced is about assholes. I mean, actual assholes.

Not talking about the actors

Overview: Allegra Geller is a famous game designer who is testing a new game of hers that's played, like all video games in this world, by plugging a semi-organic controller into a tiny artificial asshole (no, I'm serious, look if you don't believe me) at the base of your spinal column. Humans are the game consoles and the controllers. Now, if that sounds interesting, it is, but the movie sadly doesn't really do anything with this. From the first moment of this one neat idea, the movie fails to capitalize on it. But more on that later.

The King of Fighters (2010)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex discovers he is really bad at keeping track of Asian names.

That tagline should be your first warning

Overview: A bad guy who speaks with a Cockney accent 50% of the time hijacks a tournament fought by people who use magical Bluetooth headsets powered by 3,000 year old museum pieces somehow that allow the users to enter the Internet/alternate realities so that the filmmakers don't actually have to justify having sets that are literally just fighting arenas.

Empty Chamber #1

Sometimes, I try and I try, but I can't find a movie I can tear into enough to write an entertaining review about it. So, I'm introducing a new thing today: the Empty Chamber. For all those times I want to play Movie Russian Roulette but just can't find the right ammo.

These reviews will focus on movies I've seen that I tried to watch for the blog, but either weren't bad or weren't bad enough. They'll be very curt reviews, summing things up briefly, but I'll go over at least four movies as I do it. Expect my choice of films to be all over the map (although American action flicks tend to be my forte, as they have at least a decent chance of being schlocktastic).

Movies reviewed in this post are: Beowulf, Agent F.O.X. (found on Netflix, a quick Google search is coming up dry for further information), Species, and Curse of the Dragon Slayer.

Zardoz (1984)

Forget everything you think you know about bad movies. I just saw the king of them all.

Yes, that is Sean Connery in a thong.

Sharknado (2013)

Yes.

Jingle All the Way (1996)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, I suffer through this abortion of cinema.

I really should have saved this one for December. Then I could've had some rumnog and made the pain go away.

Overview: The universe shits on Arnold Schwarzenegger repeatedly.