Ben & Arthur (2002)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie that is like the unholy offspring of The Room and Birdemic: Shock and Terror.

Not unholy because it's gay; unholy because it's awful

Overview: Ben and Arthur are two happily together gay men who have pretty ordinary lives. Ben (the one in the cover shot) is a soulful nurse who really just wants to play his music. Arthur is unemployed, kind of ugly, and whiny. This is basically the gay version of that sitcom trope where the fat guy with the crappy job has an impossibly hot wife. These two fight cri- wait, no. I wish.

Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex goes back to his roots: cheesy 80s action flicks.

and never continues :(

Overview: Remo Williams is an ex-Marine turned cop who unwittingly fakes his own death. He is then recruited by a shadowy agency to be an assassin for the President, because of course he is. Racism and glorious 80s training montages ensue. When your movie states up-front that it's based on "The Destroyer" novel series, you know you're in for a helluva ride.

War of the Worlds: Goliath (2012)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a fanfiction movie.

if this shit won awards, i'm sober right now

Overview: Fifteen years after Welles' original War of the Worlds, humanity's only hope against another Martian invasion is a steampunk XCOM knockoff commanded by a random Russian and Teddy Roosevelt. In 1914. Yes, Cracked, I can hear you creaming yourself from here.

Message from Space (1978)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex realizes that Japan made crappy movies around the 80s as well.

SO FANTASTIC

Overview: Japan sees Star Wars and decides, "Hey we can do that too!" just like Star Crash in Italy. Except... it's Japan, so things get a little... weird. As in "magical nuts choose the heroes who will save an alien race." Longtime readers should know that, sadly, I'm not kidding.

Dragonfyre (2013)

I'm just going provide this thing's Netflix description: "A reluctant ex-solider is drawn into a war between orcs and dragons in order to save a beautiful princess on his remote ranch in the American West."

Go on. Say it aloud. Let it sink into your mind a bit. Done? Good.

Now, if you have any opinion other than "that's the best sentence I've heard since the Netflix description for the Chuck Norris magnum opus that is The Octagon," you are wrong.

Sadly there is only one dragon

Solarbabies (1986)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex has traumatic flashbacks to Tank Girl.

Spoiler: none of these people

Overview: The Goonies, but apocalyptic and bad.That's it, I'm done. Go home. No Cage for you this time.

eXistenZ (1999)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex is betrayed. From the director of the peerless Videodrome comes a complete piece of drivel that I'm half-convinced is about assholes. I mean, actual assholes.

Not talking about the actors

Overview: Allegra Geller is a famous game designer who is testing a new game of hers that's played, like all video games in this world, by plugging a semi-organic controller into a tiny artificial asshole (no, I'm serious, look if you don't believe me) at the base of your spinal column. Humans are the game consoles and the controllers. Now, if that sounds interesting, it is, but the movie sadly doesn't really do anything with this. From the first moment of this one neat idea, the movie fails to capitalize on it. But more on that later.

The King of Fighters (2010)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex discovers he is really bad at keeping track of Asian names.

That tagline should be your first warning

Overview: A bad guy who speaks with a Cockney accent 50% of the time hijacks a tournament fought by people who use magical Bluetooth headsets powered by 3,000 year old museum pieces somehow that allow the users to enter the Internet/alternate realities so that the filmmakers don't actually have to justify having sets that are literally just fighting arenas.

Empty Chamber #1

Sometimes, I try and I try, but I can't find a movie I can tear into enough to write an entertaining review about it. So, I'm introducing a new thing today: the Empty Chamber. For all those times I want to play Movie Russian Roulette but just can't find the right ammo.

These reviews will focus on movies I've seen that I tried to watch for the blog, but either weren't bad or weren't bad enough. They'll be very curt reviews, summing things up briefly, but I'll go over at least four movies as I do it. Expect my choice of films to be all over the map (although American action flicks tend to be my forte, as they have at least a decent chance of being schlocktastic).

Movies reviewed in this post are: Beowulf, Agent F.O.X. (found on Netflix, a quick Google search is coming up dry for further information), Species, and Curse of the Dragon Slayer.

Zardoz (1984)

Forget everything you think you know about bad movies. I just saw the king of them all.

Yes, that is Sean Connery in a thong.

Sharknado (2013)

Yes.

Jingle All the Way (1996)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, I suffer through this abortion of cinema.

I really should have saved this one for December. Then I could've had some rumnog and made the pain go away.

Overview: The universe shits on Arnold Schwarzenegger repeatedly.

Brick Mansions (2014)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, I take a look at Brick Mansions, which restored my faith in my hobby after my viewing (and subsequent attempt to write a post about) of The Starving Games. (Short version on Games: it's bad, never give it your money in any way, and not even I think it's worth watching. It is an abortion against all good taste and does not even have ironic redeeming qualities.)

Anyway, this movie. This was a new experience in bad moviegoing for me. It was new enough that I was actually able to catch it at a movie theater, which meant I had to maintain a minimum level of sobriety through the experience. Terrifying.

Paul Walker died for your drunk driving sins

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

It's bad.

It's so fucking bad.

It Could Happen to You (1994)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, we take a look at It Could Happen to You, a romantic comedy starring, yes, Nicolas Cage. What could possibly go wrong?

ALLLLVA. ALLLLVA!

Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, I sat through Battle Beyond the Stars, a delightful film that... oh wait, it's on this blog. No. It's terrible.

The lower-middle class man's Star Wars.

Crimetime (1996)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, I take a look at Crimetime, a movie that is sadly not about a TV station in an alternate reality that features overly emotional movies about hardworking single mother career criminals just trying to show their daughters how to get ahead in the world.

Yes, Stephen Baldwin does look that coked-out for the entire movie. It's beautiful.

Maternal Instincts (1996)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, we look at Maternal Instincts, a movie so awful I am convinced even calling it a "Lifetime Original Movie" is giving it too much credit.

Alternate tagline from me: "She couldn't bring life into the world... so she brought death!"