Fantastic Four (2005)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches one of the many movies that Marvel hopes you've forgotten. Seriously, for all the good movies these guys put out these days, there are scores more in their history to rag on. I may have to do a Marvel month one of these days... but that's neither here nor there. Here is Fantastic Four.

in all its glory and all its horror

Overview: Dr. Reed Richards has a theory about cosmic radiation triggering increased evolution, and shock shock such a storm is about to hit the Urf! Out of options, he asks for funding from everyone's best pal, Victor Von Doom, to study the phenomenon.

introduced looking like this

Things inevitably go wrong, and everybody gets superpowers. Reed gets the ability to stretch, his pal Ben becomes a superstrong golem, love interest Sue gets invisibility/force field powers, and her jackass brother Johnny gets the power to be made of fire when he feels like it.

Underworld (2003)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex ventures  back to the dark days when he was an angsty teen and the worst shit was cool. Including this garbage. This is Underworld.

yes, she is unironically posing moodily with a trenchcoat. The early 00s were a strange time.

Overview: Selene is a Death Dealer, a vampire dedicated to seeking out and destroying the sworn enemies of her kind: werewolves, called Lycans. A mission brings her into contact with a perfectly ordinary human named Michael, save for his unique condition: he was born without a personality. Can love bloom, even on the battlefield as Michael as kidknapped by werewolves and Selene has to bust out her Distressed Dude?

Ratatoing (2007)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex has traumatic flashbacks to the likes of Foodfight!

The horror. The horror.

Before I begin, it is my sad duty to inform you that this movie has been uploaded to YouTube by its creators. You can suffer along with me for free!

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the one of biggest modern examples of cinematic hubris crash and burn.

rip Square Pictures

Overview: The year is 2065. Semi-corporeal aliens called "Phantoms" have been invading Earth for 34 years, and most of the planet lies barren and lifeless. Humanity survives in shielded cities, made possible through the brilliance of Dr. Sid.

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (2005)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex cartwheels from talking about a movie that was basically softcore porn to a Lifetime original movie about the dangers of porn addiction. Am I going to have way too much fun with this?

You bet yer ass.

Also there's a trailer I guess.

Overview: Justin Petersen is your average, somewhat awkward teenage boy, but all in all he has a decent life. He kicks ass and takes names when it comes to swim meets, he's got a cute girlfriend named Amy, and he's at least respected by most of his classmates. But then came the evils of PORRRRRRN!

Who am I to argue with Google?

Leprechaun Retrospective, part 6: Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood (2003)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex finds insult added to injury.

why?

Overview: The movie opens with a neat little animation sequence telling us yet another backstory for the Leprechaun, stating he was one of many of the wee folk who were summoned by a rich king as guardians against evil. However, only our Leprechaun remained and became evil. Take a guess how relevant this is to the movie. The answer is after the break!

Leprechaun Retrospective, Part 5: Leprechaun in the Hood (2000)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex sheds a single tear as sad music plays in the background. He then decides that this movie is about to have a bad time.

what the fuck happened?!

Overview: A group of people take one of the most delightfully silly franchises in the history of film, carefully discard anything that made the previous movies fun, and shit edge all over it.

Ghost Lake (2004)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a zombie movie that is simultaneously an argument against the existence of zombie movies and a primer on how not to make a movie.

whoever said the quote evidently only saw one horror movie that year

Overview: Becky Haster is a young woman who's been through a lot lately. After taking care of her aging parents for several years, they die to a gas leak the one night she goes out. In her grief, she retires to her parents' lake cabin to get away from it all. Suddenly, murders, a whirlwind romance, and zombies ensue.

I don't, I don't!

Elektra (2005)

Come, young ones. Journey back to a time of great darkness for our world. A time when George W. Bush was somehow beginning his second term as president of the United States. A time when the world was shocked by a major American city which sat at a low elevation near the ocean getting annihilated by a hurricane. (Totally unexpected.) A time when the word "Marvel" meant not fun action movies, but rather, horrible schlock likes of which most of us would rather forget. The year is 2005. The movie? Elektra.

on the plus side, Garner looked pretty hot

Overview: Elektra is a legendary assassin, considered an urban myth by some. She takes no shit from anybody (except maybe her agent), and is one of those superheroes without any real powers beyond "fights good."

Lady Ninja Kaede 2 (2009)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches porn! (While the movie is definitely not safe for work or young minds, I've tried to keep the review as clean as my usual stuff, but unfunny prudes who think seventh grade health class went too far by saying the names of bit of human anatomy might not want to go any further.)There are many punchlines.

but no bondage D:

Overview: Kaede (who we're introduced to as the camera freezes on her cleavage while the movie's alternate title, Kaede: the Darkness of Cyber Dick, gets lovingly displayed) is a member of a ninja girl vice squad fighting against public indecency and sex crimes in feudal Japan.To accomplish this, she of course wears a pink miniskirt and a low-cut pink top as she proclaims how much she hates bangin'.

Ben & Arthur (2002)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie that is like the unholy offspring of The Room and Birdemic: Shock and Terror.

Not unholy because it's gay; unholy because it's awful

Overview: Ben and Arthur are two happily together gay men who have pretty ordinary lives. Ben (the one in the cover shot) is a soulful nurse who really just wants to play his music. Arthur is unemployed, kind of ugly, and whiny. This is basically the gay version of that sitcom trope where the fat guy with the crappy job has an impossibly hot wife. These two fight cri- wait, no. I wish.