Underworld (2003)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex ventures  back to the dark days when he was an angsty teen and the worst shit was cool. Including this garbage. This is Underworld.

yes, she is unironically posing moodily with a trenchcoat. The early 00s were a strange time.

Overview: Selene is a Death Dealer, a vampire dedicated to seeking out and destroying the sworn enemies of her kind: werewolves, called Lycans. A mission brings her into contact with a perfectly ordinary human named Michael, save for his unique condition: he was born without a personality. Can love bloom, even on the battlefield as Michael as kidknapped by werewolves and Selene has to bust out her Distressed Dude?

Notable quotes/moments: Giant black man on the subway also wearing a trenchcoat: "Bloods!" He then pulls out two submachine guns and lets loose a hail of gunfire.

It's revealed not long into the movie that the wolves have a new advantage: bullets made of sun.

trust me, it's even stupider in context

Head werewolf, to giant black guy werewolf: "You don't think or you don't know?"
After a long pause, the response: "I'm not sure."

Michael, to Selene as she plays getaway driver: "You've lost a lot of blood. If you don't pull over now-"
Our hero, folks: "I'll be fine." Immediately after the line, she passes out, her hands still on the steering wheel.

Stereotypical sexy female vampire, to Selene: "But what about the Covenant? You know it's forbidden!" The context of this exclamation is never really explained.

So, Michael gets bitten, and Selene mentions that most people don't survive a bite from a werewolf or vampire, due to the "deadly viruses" they carry. Take a guess what happens later.

yeah, this looks even worse in motion

Acting vampire leader, hilariously named "Kraven" when he's cowardly: "From here on out, you'll do as I say. Is any of that unclear?"
Selene responds by kidney punching him and walking away.

he just needs a safe space

Shitty, early 2000s "metal" is everywhere in this soundtrack. How bad? I'm talking Linkin Park bad.

In the final showdown, Selene chops, samurai movie style, at the bad guy's head. The two stand there for, I shit you not, almost a full minute, before...

"Bad special effects! My only weakness!"

My thoughts: This movie is to blame for bringing the whole "vampires vs. werewolves" thing back into pop culture. It was a big deal at the time, and although I'm certainly not saying this was the first movie to take this tack, it popularized it. Or so I'm led to believe. That's right. I'm blaming this movie for Twilight and its shrill evangelizing of abusive relationships.

Basically, this movie is someone seeing the aesthetic of the Matrix, but thinking "there should be some vampires and werewolves in there," then crapping out a movie that thinks it's clever when it names its vampire lead who falls in love with a bland human who becomes a werewolf after another word for the fucking moon and raking in sequel cash. But ultimately, this is one I can't get that angry about, and the hamming of the actors leads to some genuine laughs at times. It's bad, but not so bad that I have much to talk about.

Or maybe I got just drunk enough during the movie that I'm forgetting the truly awful parts. Who knows.

I give this movie a Nic Cage Asserts His Identity out of five. Facebook! Patreon that I haven't been earning lately!