Maximum Conviction (2012)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie co-starring Steven Seagall and Steve Austin. Gods help me.

Any Jewish readers should beware all the ham to follow

Overview: Two ex-soldiers defend, then attack a high-security prison. Steven Seagal tries to be cool and fails, since he can't match his masterpiece and Austin is... well, he's alright. The plot revolves around two women considered high-value prisoners by the CIA held while the facility is being decommissioned and blah blah blah GUNFIGHTS!

Notable moments/quotes: Random guard, to other random guard: "An exciting life is a good way to get killed. Remember that."

Bureaucrat: "Every time I get a stack of bullshit paperwork, your fingerprints are all over it, Cross."
Cross (Steve Austin): "Hey, I thought yer job was bullshit paperwork."
"Shut up."
"Hey Warden, I ain't gotta shut up. Go hide behind your desk, we're done here."

Steve Austin quote I refuse to give any context for: "Reminds me of a vibrator my wife used to have."

Partway through talking to the prison warden, the head of a team of U.S. Marshals shoots him to expedite things.

something something disingenuous assertions

As the other Marshals take over the prison, one sneaks into the camera room. He holds one MP at gunpoint and tells the other to stand down or he'll shoot his friend. Just moments ago, we saw these two guys playing office basketball and laughing. What does this man do to save his friend? He throws hot coffee at the assailant's eyes to blind him, not caring that it gets his buddy shot in the head. At this point, I wanted this guy to be the new main character, but he of course dies a few moments later.

Meanwhile, the main bad guy beats a fingerprint detector by chopping off the warden's pointer finger after the warden has already agreed to help them in exchange for his life.

Partway through the movie, Steve Austin lights a baddie on fire with an improvised aerosol flamethrower.

Why? No reason.

 Moments later, the heroes use a propane tank as cover. This somehow does not blow up in their faces.

Female prisoner who's working for the bad guys, after threatening Austin: "You like that shit, yeah."
Austin: "What the fuck, baby?" He then gets beat up. Just before he passes out (for five seconds), he remarks: "Holy shit, my kinda woman."

There is one black prisoner in this movie. Naturally, the moment he is free, he immediately attempts to rape the damsel in distress, because this movie is awful in every way. She is saved... by the chick working for the bad guys.

The villain reveals his sinister plot once the high-value prisoner is before him: she has a chip with coded spy information implanted in her body and linked to her heartbeat so the information would die with her. He whips out a standard smartphone, holds it up to her boobs, and somehow downloads the information from this secret spy chip in about 30 seconds.

Bad guy, to Seagall: "You know the story about the scorpion and the frog?"
The Monosyllabic Man: "Yeah."
"Well, that's me! I'm the fuckin bad guy?"
Stephen Seagull: "Well, I'm the good guy." He then kills him with lasers.

The movie ends with a lame sequel hook because of course it does.

My thoughts: Some parts of this movie are actually pretty fun. An action movie set in a semi-abandoned prison is something I hadn't seen before, but it's kind of a neat twist on a familiar action movie location. The movie doesn't really do anything clever with it, unfortunately, since it goes for gritty, "realistic" action that involves a lot of hiding behind cover and occasionally shoving their entire bodies out to shoot at the other person. Which leads me to my major complaint about this movie:

This would have been about three times as good if it were made with 80s sensibility.

I mean, I hate to be that guy, but movies like Kung Fury and Turbo Kid have shown that people have a taste for movies made with an 80s style. Movies from that era just tended to be more... bombastic. Silly. Outfuckinrageous. This movie feels very much like a product of its time, or even of the brief ultra-gritty dark age of the mid-2000s where everything had to be about realism and no fun was allowed. This is a movie about mercenaries fighting corrupt/fake U.S. Marshals in a semi-abandoned maximum security military prison! How the fuck can this not be awesome?

My point out of all this is that nobody really feels like they're having fun in this movie. Even the shittiest movies can be great if the actors just say "fuck it" and get into it, but it's pretty clear everyone's just said "fuck it" and decided to be here for the direct-to-Netflix-and-video paycheck. Ah well. Maybe all the cover-based shooting appeals to kids raised on Gears of War and the newer Call of Duties.

Anyway, the two best characters in this movie are the two ladies, the "high-value" prisoners the CIA wants. Sure, they're both pretty generic, but one of them is evil and is shown to be able to take down guys twice her size while unarmed. And I don't know what it is, but I have a massive weakness for ladies who could break me in half without breaking a sweat. Steve Austin's character and I speak as one when we see her fall: "Hey, who killed my future ex-wife?" I know she's just another femme fatale and a walking cliche, but in this movie, I'll take what I can get. I salute you, Samantha (no, I definitely didn't have to look up your name on IMDB, come back); thanks for making what felt like half my notes from the latter half of this viewing unprintable musings (though they were printed... for Patreons who give generously :3 ) on why I love ass-kickin' ladies.

Just look at that stone-cold BAMF on the left. She could and will fuck you up.

In summary, this is kind of a quintessential popcorn movie. One can zone out and just munch on snacks while watching, perhaps while playing a video game, talking to a significant other, or prepare a blog without missing too much and being able to jump right back in. After all, the plot in movies like these are always paper-thin justifications for the action scenes anyway. This one pretends at depth by trying to make it a spy thriller, but ehhhhhhhhhhhhh. In the end, this is just another American action flick taking itself too seriously. I get that this is supposed to be this amazing teamup of action superstars, but both are past their best years and the movie doesn't really capitalize on it like even movies like (sigh) The Expendables did. Allegedly.

I give this movie a Nic Cage Knows His Gun out of five. Facebook and Patreon still exist! Sadly!