Guest Roulette: Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1

(Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex lets somebody else try this shit for a change. My buddy and fellow movie enthusiast Jacob tackles yet another goddamn Batman movie below.)

Think Batman vs. Superman just jumped out of the comics for our viewing pleasure? Think again. DC has been at this game before. Which time are we going to explore today? The 2012 animated movie Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1.

Shockingly, this wasn’t that terrible. Hell, if it wasn’t for the obvious sequel to come, the 2013 Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 2, I may not be writing this today. But I am happy to report that as a whole, they Nic Caged the fuck out of this series.

Oh, smell that Nic Cage!

The movie starts off with a Bruce Wayne that is so old that Ben Stiller could have made a cameo appearance just to tell him, “You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up.” Yet, Alfred is still around? Is that bastard like half a century older than Bruce? Oh distraction, Bruce Wayne is driving a race car!

Later that night, Bruce Wayne and Commissioner Jim Gordon are having a drink together. Wait a minute! Isn’t Gordon old enough to be this geriatric’s father? Alfred and Gordon should both be long dead but I suppose Batman had something on his belt for old age because, yeah.

(Couldn't resist. -Alex)

It becomes clear that Bruce Wayne has retired from being Batman and Gordon is about to follow in his footsteps. Of course Gordon knows that Bruce Wayne was Batman and starts asking about the little boys that Bruce used to keep tied up in the Batcave. To this, Bruce decides their conversation is over but not before making a comment about that mutant gang all over the news. Oh foreshadowing, you strike again!

The creepiness continues as Alfred walks in on Bruce in the bat cave later. What is Bruce doing? He’s standing in complete darkness, wearing only his skivvies and staring obsessively at the Robin costume. I would make a joke here but really, do they need my help?

Pictures are worth a thousand words.

Harvey Dent undergoes a surgery that makes his face whole again. Is Two-Face cured? Sure is, but he’s also batshit crazy (pun intended) and believes they made both sides of his face look like grilled cheese. So Harvey Dent flips out and goes back to his old ways.

Fast forward, this leads to Batman coming out of retirement and chasing down Dent’s minions, a cliché older cop telling the rookie cop they’re in for a show, and old ass Batman beating the shit out of people with no names.

Two-Face decides he’s going to take out the Gotham Life building with 2 bombs unless he’s paid 22 million dollars in 22 minutes. Why you ask? Because he enjoys giving unrealistic demands and is in love with the number 2? But never fear, Batman arrives, throws down some smoke bombs, beats the crap out of the entire gang and even uses some of the Scarecrow's fear toxin to make one of them practically piss himself.

You don't even have a name!

Batman tries to capture Two-Face in his helicopter and ends up falling out of the sky with a million bullets buzzing by, but that and old age don’t stop him. Bats uses his trusty grappling hook to shake the helicopter and make Two Face fall out with him. George of the Jungle style, Bats catches Two-Face, slams him through a glass window with perfect timing, and beats Two-Face with his fists. Remember kids, fists beat bullets any day of the week and gravity doesn’t count.

So at this point in the film, you may be asking yourself, how is it possible to magically avoid bullets, for Two-Face to fall faster than Batman and to time swinging into a glass window instead of the building or the ground that should have been here two minutes ago? And I give you the answer, “Because I’m Batman.”

Enter a pre-teen girl. She’s kind of creepily obsessed with Robin. So much so that she dresses up like him and climbs out of her bedroom window while her parents argue. Ah, good parenting 101. So pre-teen wants to be Robin but almost breaks her neck going down the fire escape. But more on that later, actually no, there isn’t more on that later. This is the only time in either movie she actually screws up.

Oh momma, Batman's gonna love him some new Robin!

We skip past Robin because no one really gives a shit about the sidekick anyway. There’s that gang we mentioned earlier, the Mutants. They’re out there kidnapping rich babies, getting the ransom money and then killing the babies. Because nothing says evil like killing babies.

Now that Two-Face has been dealt with, Bats decides the baby killing assholes are finally worthy of his attention. No really, a notable quote from Batman, “The Mutants, they’re next on my list but first things first.”

Throughout this entire movie is this psychologist who is a grade A asshole. Of course he has to be, he’s the doctor for both Two-Face and the Joker (wait, spoiler alert). He’s out there spouting off about how the villains in the Batman series are really the victims and that Batman is really creating his own villains because they are weak-minded. Wow Bats, why you gotta be such a dick?

Fuck Batman.

Batman confronts a general who has been selling guns to the Mutant gang. Why? Because the insurance would pay for his dying wife’s treatment. Batman lays the guilt on real thick, lays a gun on the desk and says, “Nice way to end your career, General.” Because Batman doesn’t kill. Hmm, maybe that psychologist is on to something?

Now that we’ve got that out the way, we can go deal with the baby killing gang. Batman shows up in a tank. He might call it the Bat Mobile but this thing is insanely big. Imagine driving your apartment around big. Bullets are flying out of this tank and taking bad guys out left and right! But this doesn’t scare their leader. Hell, for all intents and purposes calls Bats a pussy for using rubber bullets and to man up and get out of the tank. So what happens next?

Billionaire genius Bruce Wayne gets out of the tank to take on this Bane look-alike in a one-on-one fight. I mean, it worked out so well for him last time that, why not? The gang leader proceeds to kick the ever loving shit out of Batman. He even picks him up over his head at one point and I would not have been surprised if he broke his back.

Deja vu

Re-enter stalker, pre-teen, would-be Robin. As Batman is about to die at the hands of Ba…Mutant gang leader, Robin shows up, claws at his eyes and pulls Batman (who is 10 times her size) away to safety. What is Batman’s response to this? He immediately tells her his secret identity (Because, she’s a girl after all) and takes her on as the new Robin. No permission slip or anything!

Batman convinces the police to let the leader gang go free so he can beat him up in front of his entire baby killing gang. This results in the gang turning into the, “Sons of Batman” and fighting crime. And of course none of them are really held accountable.

"Son, this is an operating table and I'm the surgeon." -Batman

Part 1 ends with Gordon retiring and the Sons of Batman making a speech about not making speeches. This happens to get the attention of the Joker who’s apparently been in a mental hospital for quite some time.

The best part about this movie? It’s not even twice as outrageous as part 2!

(Tune in next time when hopefully I've actually written a thing. Facebook! That thing where I beg for money!)