Schoolgirl Hitchhikers (1973)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex gets his exploitation movie groove on with a 70s tale of ambiguously bisexual... you guessed it... schoolgirl hitchhikers. I swear I'm not seeking out these movies.

Yeah, this is another kind-of porn movie.

Overview: Our movie opens with our two heroines, Monica and Jackie, on vacation from... school, I guess... wandering around the countryside and camping. They come across an abandoned house and break in, have sex on top of the covers of a bed, have sex with a random man, and then become entangled in a criminal conspiracy.

The key to all this is Fred, a low-level mob flunky who happens to be using the abandoned house the two ladies break into as his hideout. You know what's coming...

After enjoying some threesome action, this thief frames the girls for the theft of some ill-gotten gains he's supposed to hand over to his lady boss. Shenanigans ensue. As one might imagine, this movie uses its "plot" as an excuse for sex and what it thinks is sexy torture. More on that later.

Notable moments/quotes: The opening credits have cartoony images of lesbians over them, because the movie knows it has literally nothing else to offer.

Jackie: "That bed seemed to be waiting for us."

The movie, in its infinite wisdom, uses a track played entirely by recorders for a sex scene. It's every bit as horrifying as it sounds. Said sex scene also features them bangin' on top of the sheets for no reason.

When Jackie first meets Fred, after she gets over freaking out about the place not being abandoned, she breaks the ice not with talk, but with wordless sex.

The girls leave peaceably, but after Fred casts suspicion on them, they are captured by the mob. The (female) mob boss then brutally tortures them in what I think the movie wants us to think is sexy, but... I guess hot pokers burning boobs don't do it for me. I'm weird like that.

At one point, Jackie manages to escape, running straight to a private eye because "the police wouldn't believe her." Yeah okay.

Vaguely more butch lesbian: "I hope you took a gun."
PI: "I know my job. I took two." His secretary, who's dressed in what I can only describe as wearing a Catholic preschool uniform, draws as he says this. Yes, this private eye is so good his secretary does his job for him in the field.

My thoughts: It's a porn movie badly mixed with a crime thriller. It's hammy, it's poorly acted (although the fact that this was dubbed from the original French when I watched it probably doesn't help), and kind of forgettable. On the bright side, it was only about 70 minutes, but that doesn't leave me with much to talk about. Tune in next week month whenever for a movie I can hopefully feel more things for.

I give this movie a Sir Cage Tries to do the Legolas-Gimli Thing out of five. Tell me how dull this review was on Facebook!