Over the Top (1987)

Fuck, how do I do this again? What is this about?

ah yes of course

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie from the 80s about arm wrestling. And evil old people. And being a trucker? This is "Why in God's Name Did Someone Let Sylvester Stallone Touch the Screenplay!"

aka Over the Top

Overview: Lincoln Hawk (often referred to as "Linc" for some reason) is a trucker who left his wife ten years ago because of reasons that aren't ever explained. He goes to pick his kid up from a weird military academy that accepts 8 year olds because of more reasons! They road trip and bond for like ten minutes and then it's an arm wrestling tournament for 50 minutes. ...Yeah.

I have a screenshot that perfectly summarizes the movie:

Me too, Stallone. Me too.

Notable moments/quotes: Stallone's kid who he hasn't seen in 10 years, to the headmaster of the academy: "May I have some ID on this man, sir?"
Stallone:

He apparently just carries that on him all the time. Because REASONS!

Kid: "I hate you!"
Mumbler: "Then, hate me. We have to start somewhere."

Kid: "But [Dad] left you!"
Mom: "He had his reasons."

Crowd when Hawk starts to win at arm wrestling: "Over the top! Yeah, over the top!"

Lawyer: "You're not his father."
Evil rich grandpa: "I have been his father for 12 years!"

Hawk, to son: "By the way, if your neck gets sore tonight, you can use my shoulder for a pillow."

Hawk, trying to be clever: "Boy, I passed aggravation about a mile back."

Hawk, after he goads his kid into losing at arm-wrestling to kids that are like five years older than him: "You lost back there because you beat yourself."

Hawk, hissing into his kid's ear as the kid wins at arm-wrestling: "The power, Mike. The power, Mike." After Mike wins, Hawk immediately makes the other kids pay up on a bet.

Mike's Mom: "Linc, whatever happens, stay with him, okay?"

Mike, after being saved from being randomly kidnapped: "Who were those guys?"
Hawk: "Better ask your grandpa."
The fact that Mike's grandpa apparently hired people to kidnap his grandson is never brought up in the movie again.

Mike's grandpa: "There's always a way to bend the law. Isn't it your job?!"

The fact that the Inevitable Tournament is double elimination is explained, no joke, about six or seven times.

My thoughts: This is a confusing movie. Don't get me wrong, the plot is basic enough: a trucker tries to reconnect with his estranged young son. However, arm wrestling takes over more and more of the movie as time goes on, until the latter third of the movie is nothing but the world championship matches in Vegas and pretty much nothing from earlier in the movie matters. I mean... arm wrestling? Really?

The odd bits don't end there. Stallone's character Lincoln Hawk left his wife and apparently one year old son ten years prior to the movie's events. While in the hands of moviemakers more determined to make this less crap, this would be an easy way to reveal more about the movie's leading man. Why did he leave? How did he feel about it? Instead, all we get is a "aw, shucks" attitude from Hawk and a dying wife who forgives him completely and just says "He had his reasons." Well why not tell us about those reasons, movie?!

(speaks indistinctly)

Mike is also one of the most annoying children ever to appear on screen.

Just look at that punchable face.

The first moment this kid starts talking, I just wanted to reach through the screen and choke him a little. He goes to some weird military school, so he's constantly addressing everyone (including his dad) as "Sir;" acts like a whiny git about having to spend time with his dad; and at one point sprints across a busy highway to get away from this enforced road trip. He even hates the in-movie cheesy 80s music his dad listens to. Fuck this kid.

Anyway, the movie has two predictable arcs: Hawk slowly bonding with his dipshit son, and Hawk winning the arm wrestling tournament. lolspoilers, but seriously, this is one of those movies where the outcome is obvious from the get-go, even if the path taken to get there is... odd. In example, they needed to tie the tournament to the whole "bonding with the brat" thing, so after Hawk and Mike are starting to get a bit buddy-buddy, they go to visit Mike's mom, who is sick in the hospital with an unspecified heart condition. We're told that she died, which suddenly makes Mike remember "Oh yeah I hate my dad" and hop in a cab. Through the power of plot devices, Mike remembers "Oh yeah I don't hate my dad" just in time to steal a car and stow away on a plane to see Hawk win the arm-wrestling tournament.

Beat the crap out of him with your Powerglove

This movie tries to show a "softer side" of Stallone and ehhhh. It doesn't exactly fail, but it certainly fails to make it interesting. This is really only worth watching for the bizarre plot progression, cringe-worthy lines, and 80s rock-fueled montages.

I give this movie a Nic Cage Turns to a Life of Crime out of five. Sorry for being gone for a while, but I should be more or less back into the swing of things. Face the books and toss me money if you'd like, but my unemployment nightmare is over.