A Deadly Adoption (2015)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex reminds himself why he does what he does by watching a hidden gem.

Don't worry, it's still a bad movie.

Overview: Robert is a successful, albeit reclusive, financial guru who writes best-selling books and lives happily with his organic farmer wife, Sara, and their diabetic daughter, Sully.

Then disaster strikes.

One fine day, Sara falls into a lake and somehow loses the baby she was pregnant with. They go on a long search for an adoption, and eventually settle on the unborn baby of poor young Bridget, who lives in a shelter. So moved are they by her plight that they invite this young lady into their home. What could possibly go wrong?

I'd let her do me wrong if ya know what I mean

Let me get this out of the way real quick: yes, this is a Lifetime Original Movie, and yes, that is Will Farrell as the main character.

My reaction too, buddy

Notable moments/quotes: After the movie mentions about 8000 times how the wood on the dock is rotten, Mrs. Generic still leans on it anyway. Much is made of how Farrell's character (correctly) blames her for this, years later.

Robert, in response to a friendly editor expressing concern over his alcoholic past: "Clean and sober." Immediately after he hangs up the NotSkype call, he opens up a drawer of his desk that contains a bottle of booze and sighs as the background music swells dramatically. This plot thread is never mentioned again.

Sara, showcasing how this movie does exposition: "We've tried everything. You know I can't have children."

When the couple meet "Bridget" for the first time, she drops a framed photo, causing some in-no-way-meaningful cracks.

not at all.

Bridget, upon seeing adorable little Sully riding her bike: "Where's your helmet?" She then scolds the kid about not being careful before sheepishly apologizing to the parents, who have no problem with this for some reason.

Homewrecker: "It must get hard, Robert."
"Hard?"

Charlie, the wife's gay friend/employee of her crappy farmer's market stand: "You just leave [Bridget] alone with him?"
Sara: "She's six months pregnant."
"Some men like tha~t."
"How would you know?"
"Gay people live in the same reality as everyone else."

Robert, falling into the web: "Sometimes I think I may never love her the way I used to."

In the first of a series of truly "stunning" plot twist, we're shown that "Bridget" isn't actually pregnant!

dun dun dun

Then we learn her name is actually Jodi! And that Robert sexed her up while drunk off his ass on a book promotion tour taken in the depressing wake of his wife's accident!

After these revelations, Jodi kidnaps Sully by texting each parent that the other said to take the kid to the park. Somehow, this works. She is joined in her criminal activity by a tattooed-up thug who's just out for ransom.

Charlie, showing an unusual amount of initiative for an otherwise 100% stereotypical gay best friend, spots the duo and tails them to their lakeside hideout. Because he does this instead of calling the fucking cops, this gets him caught and shot execution-style.

Jodi, confronting Sara: "You're never gonna see [your kid] again. I'm gonna be her new momma now." A catfight ensues, and Jodi puts an unconscious Sara in a running car to simulate a suicide.

Jodi, trying to convince Robert to run away with her: "You don't have to worry about Sara anymore."

Jodi, after shooting Robert: "Please don't make me shoot you again."

Jodi, cementing her status as the most entertaining character in the movie as she speaks to the kidnapped six-year-old: "Mommy is already dead. I'm your new mommy."

Jodi, seeing Robert heroically stand in the middle of a bridge and take no further action to stop her when she previously thought he, who was the sum total of her motivation previously, was dead: "We don't need him." She accelerates to ramming speed.

"I may not have thought this through."

Through a series of contrived events, Jodi is defeated. The movie then cuts to six months later, where our heroes dance for a few minutes before the movie just ends.

My thoughts: This movie was a delight. I've always had something of a soft spot for Lifetime originals: given as they are to emotional situations, there's often tons of room for hammy, melodramatic acting, and this movie is no exception. All the side characters and our villain turn in the kind of exaggerated performances I know and love.

However, Farrell and his co-star are an odd exception. Farrell is well-known for being over-the-top, so I went into this movie expecting him to create a one-man singularity of wackiness, Robin Williams style. I was surprised, then, when he delivers the expected notes of quiet torture of a family man in crisis... well, quietly. It's as though he's trying to make the joke that he's in a bad Lifetime movie by just being in a Lifetime movie, and not really doing anything with it. If this was meant to be some kind of meta-joke or somehow make this a parody, it was a little lost on me. I'm less familiar with his co-star, so I can't really comment on her too much.

Where its stars don't pick up the overly dramatic torch, the music steps in to do the job. The music will pinwheel from triumphant to sinister in a heartbeat. Mood whiplash? What whiplash? The music people sure don't know what that means. It was really a delight to hear dramatic music play when Farrell dove into shallow water to rescue his pregnant wife who was helpless because she is a woman. Y'know, for being on a women's channel, these movies can get awfully derogatory to women at times.

As I'm looking over my notes, a few small elements of the plot struck me oddly. Sure, the whole thing is kind of wacky, but it's my style to nitpick and split hairs.

First of all, the Bensons are looking to adopt, so they apparently meet with pregnant woman after pregnant woman to find "the right one." Uh... is this how it is? Does it actually work like this? I have no idea, but the whole practice seems pretty damned creepy to me. "Hi, are you likeable/pretty enough for us to take your child?" I understand that in this sort of situation, the woman doesn't want the baby and doesn't want to have an abortion, which is fine and dandy if that's what she wants. But... it just seems rather shallow and almost a little voyeuristic to me. Then again, this is coming from a man whose hobbies mostly revolve around living vicariously through the struggles of characters in video games and movies, so eh, who am I to speak?

The character of Jodi doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Specifically, her motivations. So, she sleeps with Robert while on a book tour, gets preggers, loses the kid, and wants revenge. Got it. Clear and concise, and can make for a creepy villain (although she comes off far more comedic). However, whereas her partner seems to mostly want ransom money out of the successful Mr. Benson, Jodi's motivations morph into a weird need to be with the man who abandoned her.

O-kay, gettin a little creepy but I still feel ya, gurl

The viewer could well be forgiven for thinking this is just a tactic to add a little injury to insult and homewreck just a tad before she takes the money and runs. However, she somehow Lima Syndromes herself and ends up just wanting to be Sully's mom. Because clearly a woman is nothing without a child to care for. OH LIFETIME, YOU LOVABLE SCAMPS. She still keeps her original goal, until it morphs into "screw the money, I want to sit on Farrell's face" and eventually into "I will kill anyone who says I can't be Sully's momma." Where's the thought process there? I mean, she doesn't even have the "excuse" of BARREN RAGE, unless that was meant to be implied.

In short, this movie is a campy, cliched mess of a movie, and I love it for that. Maybe I've just been beaten down too much by those damned Leprechaun movies I've been watching lately, but this seemed positively wonderful. It's trying so hard to be the pinnacle of this type of movie, and that just makes it progressively worse and more laughable. I salute you, filmmakers, for making The Room of Lifetime movies.

I give this movie a Nic Cage Takes Pride in His Heritage out of five. Got any suggestions for movies for me to watch? Leave them in the comments or hit me up on Facebook or throw money at my broke, unemployed face on Patreon.