Maternal Instincts (1996)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, we look at Maternal Instincts, a movie so awful I am convinced even calling it a "Lifetime Original Movie" is giving it too much credit.

Alternate tagline from me: "She couldn't bring life into the world... so she brought death!"

Overview: This movie follows the exploits of some woman whose name I can't remember, so we'll call her "Not-Rosanne." Not-Rosanne undergoes some kind of surgery related to fertility, and while the doctors are rooting around in there, they discover she has cancer in her ovaries. Hate it when that happens.

So, they inform her husband, and he insists that they perform a hysterectomy on her to remove any chance of the cancer. He informs them it would be "too hard" for his wife to choose herself, because she really wants a baby and this would put an end to that.

He ignores the doctors talking about other options, because this is a Lifetime movie and his character has a penis, and is thus a callous bastard and/or evil. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Not-Rosanne is pissed when she wakes up.

What follows is her going on a murder/prank spree, bent on ruining the life of everyone remotely connected with that surgery and TAKING HER CONTROL OF HER BODY AWAY FROM HER. BARREN RAGE. Ignoring the fact that, y'know, adoption is a thing. (Just before going Hulk on a crib she had, she rages about how an adopted child wouldn't look or act like her. I guess she would prefer to go the Fett route of reproduction.)

Notable "wat" elements/moments: Everyone in this movie is completely insane. Not-Rosanne is able to, with minimal effort, infiltrate the hospital where the doctor who did the operation works, screw with her head by swapping her medicine with cooking oil, murder multiple people, and generally be the sloppiest criminal ever. She is, of course, only discovered when she attempts to murder her doctor with a pipe wrench so she can steal the doctor's newborn for her own.

My thoughts: 

I was probably too sober for this movie.             

This movie does not disappoint, for a given value of "disappoint." If nothing else, no other movie will treat a pregnant woman having ten shopping carts ram her as a cause for broken bones and internal bleeding.

Also, and this is a constant for movies like this, but once every few minutes, I asked the screen, "What? What? What the hell did she just do? What?" A lot of the movie is a succession of actions that don't make any sense. And it's a delight to watch.

The acting was hammy, the characters were one-dimensional, and the plot was nonexistent. And yet, I enjoyed this. Watch it with someone you hate.

Final verdict: I give this movie a Nic Cage screaming the alphabet out of ten. Recommended for women who enjoy baby-related revenge fantasies or people who enjoy seeing a woman who looks like the lesbian offspring of Rosanne and Julia Louis-Dreyfus get away with the stupidest revenge ever.

Scratch that. This movie is recommended for everyone.

If you have any recommendations for movies for me to watch, inflict them on me in the comments. I can't guarantee I'll watch them all (I have to get a hold of them and even I only have so much free time), but I'm here to watch the bad movies so you don't have to. Abuse me.