Crimetime (1996)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, I take a look at Crimetime, a movie that is sadly not about a TV station in an alternate reality that features overly emotional movies about hardworking single mother career criminals just trying to show their daughters how to get ahead in the world.

Yes, Stephen Baldwin does look that coked-out for the entire movie. It's beautiful.

Overview: Desperately hoping to cash in on the success of the prior year's The Usual Suspects, a movie that's actually good, two guys from that movie play an actor and a serial killer. (Ironically, the movie looks like it was made about 15 years earlier.) The actor is a nobody who happens to hit it big when he lands a role on the hit TV show Crimetime playing a serial killer who keeps stalking young women, killing them, and digging their eyeballs out. The TV show reenacts the crimes in bloody detail, then pretends to be civic-minded by asking audiences, "Were you there?" and asking them to call the police with any information.

Basically a local access channel version of Unsolved Mysteries, but with lower production values and less badass narration.

Because coincidences, the killer sees an episode of Crimetime where Bobby (the actor) portrays one of his killings. Fascinated, he ramps up his murders, keeping the show in business and Bobby in work. Meanwhile, the movie dates itself by having the serial killer leave anonymous answering machine messages such as "Why didn't she cry?" and "Remember how soft they are," setting off a minor mystery as to who the killer could be (although we already know this thanks to how the movie is shot).

This introduces one of the few compelling elements of the film: the two men enter into a kind of long-distance mentorship over the phone messages that's oddly sexually charged at times (see the next section), and as Bobby's house starts to look more and more like a serial killer's liar, the actual serial killer cleans up his act, eventually even giving up murdering. This leads to a "twist" that is such a weak effort that I suspect good ol' M. Night secretly had a hand in this movie. Although the glam rock fabulous matador outfit was a nice touch for the final confrontation. There was no possible way I could have seen that one coming, by Heimdall.

Notable elements/quotes/moments: The first half of the film is filled with music that would feel completely in place for a low-budget Playstation game. It's way too cheerful for what's going on, and every time I felt like suddenly I was playing one of those godawful video games that decided FMVs were the way of the future and you could build a whole game around them, like Plumbers Don't Wear Ties.

Also, did I mention Mr. Baldwin looks drugged out of his mind in every single scene?

The following quotes are presented with as little context as possible, because it improves them.

Serial killer to the actor: "Do it. Stick it in. See what it feels like. For real."

I refuse to apologize for this image.

"You know what they say about these actors. Once they have their teeth in your crotch..."

"My father died. A year ago. But I don't want to talk about that. Are you hungry? Do you want to, uh... get something to eat? My last girlfriend really hurt me, you know."

ALSO DID I MENTION THAT BALDWIN WAS CLEARLY ON DRUGS TO GET THROUGH THE FILMING OF THIS MOVIE.

My thoughts: This movie tried, which is more than I can say for a lot of would-be artsy B movies out there. Despite obviously existing as a cashgrab (the casting and timing really give it away), the movie attempts to have some kind of message about the media and the danger of staring into an abyss and maybe something about acting, but it's all lost in the gentle wash of low-grade, jaunty instrumental music and thick British accents. ("Ideaer" gets me every time.) I appreciate the effort the movie went to, and it manages to be genuinely creepy from time to time on a deeper level than just "JUMP SCARE BLOOD KNIFE CHAINSAW." I appreciate that.

linkin park joke goes here

This is better than most B movies I watch, although it's still quite bad. Baldwin almost appears to be channeling Nic Cage from Vampire's Kiss here; his acting skills seem to have largely gone on vacation, and something is seriously wrong with his hair and the way he's talking. And did I mention that Baldwin is on some very powerful drugs for most of this movie? Half the time he appears barely cognizant of his surroundings.

I give this movie a Nic Cage is Castor Troy, Whoooooooo! out of ten.

Still, though. While I'm not sure this so much qualifies as a movie, it qualifies as an experience. I'd actually recommend this one. Legitimately. I am not at all trying to share my pain with the world by duping you into watching a subpar British take on a classic film. Trust me. There are totally things worth seeing here. You should tell me all about how there's totally artistic merit to this tragically misunderstood movie.