Hackers (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches The Net, if it was run through eight different filters of the kind of RADICAL that so thoroughly infected the mid-90s. Let's pretend that high schoolers can topple massive conspiracies because they know how to use computers. That's a thing, right?

You wouldn't get it, gramps. Now let's do some sweet kickflips on our skateboards

Overview: Dade Murphy, AKA "Zero Cool", is a young genius who, when he was around 12, crashed over 5,000 computers and, by court order, was forbidden to use a computer or touch-tone phone until he turns 18. Well, he's turned 18, and he's ready to tear things up again.

That's the face of smoldering rage.

Waterworld (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex finds the movie supplying a perfect visual summary of itself within its first two minutes.

The jar represents you, the viewer, and the piss represents... well, you get it.

Occasionally, I need an easy target.

Overview: Shitty writing ruins what could have been a fascinating world.

Leprechaun Retrospective, Part 4: Leprechaun 4: In SPACE (1996)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex rewatches one of the most exquisitely terrible movies in existence and exults in every frame.

yessssssss

Overview: The Leprechaun, somehow in space, has kidnapped a beautiful princess, hoping to marry her and get the respect he deserves. Meanwhile, a squad of space marines try to hunt him down. Take a guess how that works out for most of them.

not well

A Leprechaun Retrospective: Part 3: Leprechaun 3 (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the tale of an unlikely hero come to an abrupt end. He then starts cheering for the villain.

it's not easy being green, after all

Overview: The Leprechaun, somehow turned to stone through the power of a medallion, gets sold to a Las Vegas pawn shop. He then comes alive and starts killing people again. An unassuming bystander is almost turned into a leprechaun, and everyone starts using leprechaun magic through previously unexplained "if you have a gold coin, you get a wish" powers.

A Leprechaun Retrospective: Part 2: Leprechaun 2 (1994)

Next up in my tour of this inexplicable series about a killer leprechaun is a movie that, through the power of a bigger budget, has more powers and more dickery for its titular character to do. Is it a step up from the original? ...Honestly, with this series, it's hard to tell.

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex sees a vision of himself in 40 years, maybe.

not the leprechaun, thank the gods

Overview: The leprechaun, somehow fine after being exploded and buried alive in the last movie, is suddenly in L.A. This time, he's cruisin' for a bride on his 2,000th birthday. On St. Patrick's Day. Yes, this movie goes into the backstory of the leprechaun, and it's about as hackneyed as one might expect: evil creature uses sneeze-related magic to get bride, creature's human slave tricks creature, creature swears revenge on slave's line, blah blah blah. (More after the break)

pimpin ain't easy

A Leprechaun Retrospective: Introduction and Leprechaun (1993)

Welcome to part one of a seven-part retrospective about a movie series about a serial killer leprechaun. I've wanted to do this for a while, and since it's now October, what better time to get into some of the cheesiest B movie "horror" films I know? I'll be mucking about with the format just a bit, but never you fear, this is going to still be Movie Russian Roulette. Just maybe with more depth than usual. Or not. This is still my haphazard style, after all.

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches Jennifer Aniston suffer for a paycheck before she got famous. As usual, the trailer is lulzy.

actors gotta eat, man

Overview: Tory, your typical self-obsessed girl from Los Angeles, is in the Dakotas for the summer with her dad. As so often happens in the north, ancient magic unleashes a killer leprechaun on her and her friends, and only the power of a four-leaf clover can kill this unstoppable terror. (More after the break.)

He can smell your fear

Lake Placid (1999)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, a movie is rescued from its incompetency by its stupidity. Come take a dip in Lake Placid.

or don't

Overview: A mysterious creature kills a man at the local lake (which, by the by, is not even named Lake Placid). A tooth is recovered which appears prehistoric, so the local sheriff and the Game & Parks officer get the help of a New York paleontologist to identify the beast.

Theodore Rex (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie starring Whoopi Goldberg as a no-nonsense cop who teams up with a talking dinosaur to solve a murder and save the world. It's every bit as bad as it sounds.

god I wish I was making this up

Overview: In the world of "the grid," Whoopi Goldberg is a tough cyborg cop named Katie Coletrain who doesn't play by the rules. When another dinosaur (which are around due to genetic engineering thanks to the bad guy) is killed, desk officer Theodore Rex teams up with Coletrain to solve the case. What follows made me reacquaint myself with my old friend day drinking.

[More after the break.]

The Net (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex takes a journey back to the days when AOL was king and that dial-up noise would soothe the soul. This is The Net. And it has a perfectly cheesy trailer.

Overview: The movie opens with the U.S. Undersecretary of Defense receiving distressing news and having his driver take him about town to clear his head. After calling his wife and kid on his giant 90s cell phone and apologizing for having to work late, the man calmly loads a revolver and kills himself in a park. The significance of this is left unexplained for about 80 minutes (and is ultimately kind of inconsequential for something the movie spends so much time setting up).

eXistenZ (1999)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex is betrayed. From the director of the peerless Videodrome comes a complete piece of drivel that I'm half-convinced is about assholes. I mean, actual assholes.

Not talking about the actors

Overview: Allegra Geller is a famous game designer who is testing a new game of hers that's played, like all video games in this world, by plugging a semi-organic controller into a tiny artificial asshole (no, I'm serious, look if you don't believe me) at the base of your spinal column. Humans are the game consoles and the controllers. Now, if that sounds interesting, it is, but the movie sadly doesn't really do anything with this. From the first moment of this one neat idea, the movie fails to capitalize on it. But more on that later.

Jingle All the Way (1996)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, I suffer through this abortion of cinema.

I really should have saved this one for December. Then I could've had some rumnog and made the pain go away.

Overview: The universe shits on Arnold Schwarzenegger repeatedly.

Crimetime (1996)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, I take a look at Crimetime, a movie that is sadly not about a TV station in an alternate reality that features overly emotional movies about hardworking single mother career criminals just trying to show their daughters how to get ahead in the world.

Yes, Stephen Baldwin does look that coked-out for the entire movie. It's beautiful.