Smosh: the Movie (2015)

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a series of cameos strung together with a sixth grade script try to pass itself off as one of these things called a "movie."

BOY HOWDY, THEM'S FROM THE YEW TUBS! HOW QUIRKY!

Overview: A couple of guys who have inexplicably found massive success on YouTube try to put on the big boy pants and make an actual movie. It fails.

Ratatoing (2007)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex has traumatic flashbacks to the likes of Foodfight!

The horror. The horror.

Before I begin, it is my sad duty to inform you that this movie has been uploaded to YouTube by its creators. You can suffer along with me for free!

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the one of biggest modern examples of cinematic hubris crash and burn.

rip Square Pictures

Overview: The year is 2065. Semi-corporeal aliens called "Phantoms" have been invading Earth for 34 years, and most of the planet lies barren and lifeless. Humanity survives in shielded cities, made possible through the brilliance of Dr. Sid.

Hackers (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches The Net, if it was run through eight different filters of the kind of RADICAL that so thoroughly infected the mid-90s. Let's pretend that high schoolers can topple massive conspiracies because they know how to use computers. That's a thing, right?

You wouldn't get it, gramps. Now let's do some sweet kickflips on our skateboards

Overview: Dade Murphy, AKA "Zero Cool", is a young genius who, when he was around 12, crashed over 5,000 computers and, by court order, was forbidden to use a computer or touch-tone phone until he turns 18. Well, he's turned 18, and he's ready to tear things up again.

That's the face of smoldering rage.

The Runner (2015)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches Nicolas Cage's dick lead him to ruin.

No, seriously. That's the entire movie.

Overview: The Great One plays Colin Pryce, an idealistic Louisiana Representative who skyrockets to national attention through his passionate efforts to protect his home state from a Gulf oil spill. Complications occur when the press discovers he's cheating on his wife.

Robot Monster (1953)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex desperately wishes for an hour of his life back.

Yeah, because I was REALLY expecting quality from this, right?

Overview: Our tale begins with Johnny, an all-American youngster who loves science and loves to play space cops. Or something. He's out for a picnic with his annoying little sister, older sister, and mom, when suddenly the setting shifts to a post-apocalyptic world where the fearsome Ro-man has wiped out all other human life, and Johnny and co. are only alive thanks to SCIENCE!

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (2005)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex cartwheels from talking about a movie that was basically softcore porn to a Lifetime original movie about the dangers of porn addiction. Am I going to have way too much fun with this?

You bet yer ass.

Also there's a trailer I guess.

Overview: Justin Petersen is your average, somewhat awkward teenage boy, but all in all he has a decent life. He kicks ass and takes names when it comes to swim meets, he's got a cute girlfriend named Amy, and he's at least respected by most of his classmates. But then came the evils of PORRRRRRN!

Who am I to argue with Google?

Waterworld (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex finds the movie supplying a perfect visual summary of itself within its first two minutes.

The jar represents you, the viewer, and the piss represents... well, you get it.

Occasionally, I need an easy target.

Overview: Shitty writing ruins what could have been a fascinating world.

Larry Gaye: Renegade Male Flight Attendant (2015)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex takes in the story of the most punchable face in the history of cinema.

that face begs for a fist

Overview: Larry Gaye is a legend in the airline business, having won the apparently prestigious "Golden Coffee Pot" award five years running. He does the flight attendant thing well, bangs all the ladies, and refuses to settle down. But what's this? Shadowy execs are trying to cut costs by introducing sophisticated, sexy robots to replace flight attendants! Le gasp! Only a Gaye man can stop these sinister she-bots!

heh heh, couldn't resist, there

Vampire's Kiss (1988)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex revisits a true masterpiece.

yesssssss.

Overview: Peter Lowe is a fucking crazy person who begins to think he's a vampire after a fling with a seductive lady who may or may not be a vampire and may or may not exist. Meanwhile, Lowe is the worst boss ever to an employee. Cage picks the dumbest accent ever to supposedly honor his father. He also rapes somebody.

"You know how it is."

Sucker Punch (2011)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie he wants very much to like.

the movie has other ideas

Overview: A variety of young women are, for one reason or another, dumped into a mental hospital that apparently also doubles are some kind of cabaret/theater. They're treated poorly by everyone, and one young girl who we only know as "Babydoll" concocts a daring plan to escape.

A Deadly Adoption (2015)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex reminds himself why he does what he does by watching a hidden gem.

Don't worry, it's still a bad movie.

Overview: Robert is a successful, albeit reclusive, financial guru who writes best-selling books and lives happily with his organic farmer wife, Sara, and their diabetic daughter, Sully.

Then disaster strikes.

Leprechaun Retrospective, Finale and Leprechaun: Origins (2014)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie that he forgets ten minutes after watching.

the "WWE Superstar" should be your first warning

Overview: Four American college kids take a trip out to the boonies of Ireland, where the Leprechaun kills almost all of them.

Leprechaun Retrospective, part 6: Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood (2003)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex finds insult added to injury.

why?

Overview: The movie opens with a neat little animation sequence telling us yet another backstory for the Leprechaun, stating he was one of many of the wee folk who were summoned by a rich king as guardians against evil. However, only our Leprechaun remained and became evil. Take a guess how relevant this is to the movie. The answer is after the break!

Leprechaun Retrospective, Part 5: Leprechaun in the Hood (2000)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex sheds a single tear as sad music plays in the background. He then decides that this movie is about to have a bad time.

what the fuck happened?!

Overview: A group of people take one of the most delightfully silly franchises in the history of film, carefully discard anything that made the previous movies fun, and shit edge all over it.

Leprechaun Retrospective, Part 4: Leprechaun 4: In SPACE (1996)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex rewatches one of the most exquisitely terrible movies in existence and exults in every frame.

yessssssss

Overview: The Leprechaun, somehow in space, has kidnapped a beautiful princess, hoping to marry her and get the respect he deserves. Meanwhile, a squad of space marines try to hunt him down. Take a guess how that works out for most of them.

not well

A Leprechaun Retrospective: Part 3: Leprechaun 3 (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the tale of an unlikely hero come to an abrupt end. He then starts cheering for the villain.

it's not easy being green, after all

Overview: The Leprechaun, somehow turned to stone through the power of a medallion, gets sold to a Las Vegas pawn shop. He then comes alive and starts killing people again. An unassuming bystander is almost turned into a leprechaun, and everyone starts using leprechaun magic through previously unexplained "if you have a gold coin, you get a wish" powers.

A Leprechaun Retrospective: Introduction and Leprechaun (1993)

Welcome to part one of a seven-part retrospective about a movie series about a serial killer leprechaun. I've wanted to do this for a while, and since it's now October, what better time to get into some of the cheesiest B movie "horror" films I know? I'll be mucking about with the format just a bit, but never you fear, this is going to still be Movie Russian Roulette. Just maybe with more depth than usual. Or not. This is still my haphazard style, after all.

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches Jennifer Aniston suffer for a paycheck before she got famous. As usual, the trailer is lulzy.

actors gotta eat, man

Overview: Tory, your typical self-obsessed girl from Los Angeles, is in the Dakotas for the summer with her dad. As so often happens in the north, ancient magic unleashes a killer leprechaun on her and her friends, and only the power of a four-leaf clover can kill this unstoppable terror. (More after the break.)

He can smell your fear

Overkill (1987)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the wrong movie.

whoops

So, today I had actually intended to watch Overkill, a 90s movie starring Chuck Norris' ill-fated brother Aaron Norris. What could be better than watching a man try and fail to live up to his brother's B-movie stardom, I figured? However, due to my own carelessness and a misleading Netflix description, I ended up watching Overkill, an 80s movie starring nobody you've ever heard of. It ended up being blog-worthy material anyway, so I'm rolling with it.

Overview: Mickey Delaney is a no-nonsense L.A. cop who's convinced the Yakuza are out to take over the West Coast. He doesn't play by the rules, but he always gets his man. He teams up with a Tokyo cop visiting the U.S. after family tragedy to bring the fight to the Yakuza's doorstep. No jurisdiction, no warrants, no authority, no fucks given. That's Delaney's style.

no uniforms either

In case you haven't caught on, this is the quintessential 80s American action film: a rogue cop out for justice who doesn't care how many he buries to do the right thing. More after the break!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex witnesses a rape.

of childhoods

Overview: Desperate to steal more ideas from the past (never mind that this was done not that long ago), Hollywood returns to the story of the radical four turtles who fight a samurai guy. Meanwhile, a benevolent businessman hatches a sinister scheme. This time Michael Bay has a hand in things, so there are explosions! (More after the break.)