Ratatoing (2007)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex has traumatic flashbacks to the likes of Foodfight!

The horror. The horror.

Before I begin, it is my sad duty to inform you that this movie has been uploaded to YouTube by its creators. You can suffer along with me for free!

Overview: Marcel is a famous chef rat living in Rio de Janeiro who runs a restaurant, Ratatoing, that is apparently famous worldwide among rats (???)

He is helped along by two rats somehow voiced by the same people who do Dr. Eggman and Lina fuckin' Inverse/Amy Rose's voices. You see, to obtain the amazing ingredients Marcel needs to prepare his dishes, they go on secret raids of human restaurants every Thursday night. Why Thursday, you ask?

"Fuck you, that's why!"

Meanwhile, a quartet of eeeeevil mice who run a rival restaurant try to get them to go out of business. Meanwhile meanwhile, every character looks like they're trying to invite you to Hell, where everyone, including them, has no soul.

It looks around 100x worse in motion

Notable moments/quotes: Rat who I wished would Dragon Slave this movie out of existence: "Hey, my handsome friend, are you ready for more food adventures tonight?"

When the character prepare for their secret mission, there's a "suit up" segment that drags on for about three minutes. I could normally excuse this in light of its other sins, but the whole movie is only 41 minutes long!

Rat who looked strange without a hammer: "Did you say button or switch?"
Rat who's snooping as usual: "The button is a switch!"

Just before enacting a plan to scare humans into setting up rat traps for Marcel's band, the villains break into a dance routine for no reason.

Marcel, to a horrifically animated cat: "Hold on there, big guy! I think we started off on the wrong foot, if you know what I mean."

"THE DARK LORD MR. MITTENS CARES NOT FOR YOUR PRATTLE"

To defeat the cat, Marcel traps two of the villains in a corner as the cat looms over them. Said mice are never seen in the rest of the movie. Mention is made later of the two being taken to an "out-of-town laboratory" where they're being "treated really well" but come on, we all know what really happened. Marcel found out some motherfuckers crossed him. You cross Marcel, you get eaten alive.

"You think you hard?"

My thoughts: Since I cannot adequately convey the onomatopoeia here of five minutes' worth of screaming, just go ahead and imagine that now. That's pretty much it.

Sure, this is a kids' movie, and it's made as such. However, the animation is so terrible that it makes Foodfight! look good, something I had assumed was impossible. There are at least a couple very talented voice actors on the cast as well, but absolutely no effort was put into making use of the talent they hird. Every time a character speaks, windows shatter from how shrill and squeaky they all are. I'm sure everybody involved here just wanted to get things done as quickly as possible so they could go home, make money off confused parents looking for Ratatouille, and cash their checks.

This is without a doubt one of the worst movies I've ever had the misfortune to watch, but I'm left speechless in the face of this horror. Every minute was agony, every word a waterboarding. I'm sure Cheney wouldn't have used this on Guantanamo detainees had he the option. This movie broke me worse than Foodfight!, but in an entirely different way. Whereas Foodfight! had a sense of misguided ambition to it, this movie doesn't give a shit. It already has your money or your view. It owes you nothing. The only further payment it needs is your suffering and the suffering of whatever unfortunate child you might be subjecting to this movie. Any dirty casuals who think they're versed in bad movies because they've watched Sharknado need to watch this movie and see just how very, very wrong they are.

It sucks. The only good thing I can say about this movie is that it's over after 41 minutes. Even that was difficult to get through.

I give this movie a Nicolas Cage is a Vampire out of five. Console me on Facebook and become a more cool and attractive person by pledging on Patreon to support a bitter, masochistic movie reviewer.