Sunday, June 8, 2014

Sharknado (2013)


Yes.

Overview: A bunch of assholes run away from sharks, in what is basically a zombie apocalypse story. But with sharks and flooding instead of zombies. So, a good change. The main character's name is Fin Shepard; that's the quality of writing we're dealing with here.

still better than Mass Effect 3's ending

It was a day like any other, when suddenly bartender Fin discovers L.A. is being flooded and sharks are killing everyone. So, he sets off to grab his ex-wife and his kids, which somehow becomes "WE HAVE TO SAVE EVERYONE." However, unlike, say, World War Z, wherein everyone is saved by an incredibly dumb twist about illness (and a perfectly good book gets totally ignored by its movie cousin in favor of being about an almost completely different thing), Fin Motherfucking Shepard doesn't take the Sharknado's shit.

He solves the problem by throwing bombs into tornadoes to destroy them and chainsawing sharks in half out of midair. Dear sweet Athena, I know fanfiction writers would find their way into Hollywood eventually.

Although sometimes being basically fanfic in movie form is a beautiful thing.
Notable moments/quotes: So many, I don't know where to start. Did I mention the main character's name is Fin?

Random fat guy the main characters rescued for no reason at all and I don't even think has a name: "My mom always told me Hollywood would kill me." (Immediately after this line, a giant hunk of metal randomly falls from the sky and kills him.)

The movie spends a little time setting up this tension between Sharkmander Shepard and his ex, particularly over her new boyfriend. Said boyfriend appears, spends about two minutes being as despicable as possible, and is then quickly eaten by a shark. Gotta love the script's efficency.

About a minute after a car springs a gas leak, it explodes.
Why? No reason.
At one point, our heroes walk into a liquor store that's as-yet untouched by the sharknado menace. More than a few of them are openly wearing guns. Nobody cares, since L.A. is apparently in Texas.

Fin, having learned that three tornadoes are heading for them: "We're going to stand and fight."

Fin's pilot-in-training son is able to fly a helicopter without any issues in close proximity to a tornado on three separate occasions. Only when a shark bites onto the landing gear does the helicopter begin smoking and plummet out of the sky. Maybe the shark was made by the same people who made auto-hacking arrows.

Fin shoots a shark out of the sky from at least several hundred feet away. With a shotgun.

To get rid of some sharks in a swimming pool, our intrepid Renegade hero dumps gas into the pool. Then lights it on fire. After several seconds, the water explodes.

My thoughts: I was expecting this review to be completely different. I came into this, fully prepared to go 100% bad movie hipster on this film and deride its alleged So Bad It's Good-ness. However, while I've definitely watched more entertaining cinematic failures (Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Drive Angry, Miami Connection, and The Octagon, to name just a few that top my list that I may have to give reviews for at some point), this movie works as a B movie completely.

It's self-aware of how awful it is, but it embraces it. While that's sometimes a recipe for disaster, there's an energy and a belief in letting the film become as stupid as it needs to be that even the most hardened lover of things that are actually good must crack a smile. The film moves along at just the right pace, avoiding the issue many otherwise great B movies have of wasting everyone's time on bullshit that nobody cares about like exposition. There are exactly the correct number of shiny things shoved in our faces to keep us distracted during this movie. A few times, I almost forgot how otherwise terrible it was when I was busy laughing at sharks that looked like they came straight out of a PS2 game.

Basically, while I don't think this movie deserves the praise some give it as the most hilarious bad movie ever made, it's a damn good bad movie. A fine way to introduce the uncorrupted to the appreciation of the art. I didn't even need the assistance of my faithful co-pilot Mr. Daniels on this one!

I give this movie a Nicolas Cage INTERROGATES ANGRY out of five. This one's worth seeing, folks. Give it a watch.

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