Jingle All the Way (1996)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, I suffer through this abortion of cinema.

I really should have saved this one for December. Then I could've had some rumnog and made the pain go away.

Overview: The universe shits on Arnold Schwarzenegger repeatedly.


Ugh, I guess I need more than that.

Schwarzenegger plays the quintessential American male comedy lead who focuses on his work and career, leaving little time for his family. He misses his kid's karate class, and this leads to the kid getting pissed off, and only the healing power of a Turboman doll (a composite Iron Man/Batman knockoff) for Christmas will fix things. Because contrived, the doll is the most sought-after thing in all capitalism, and Ahnald hasn't bought one for his kid come Christmas Eve, because of course he hasn't.

So, he goes out into Minneapolis and encounters Sinbad as a mailman. Remember Sinbad?

Me neither!

He is also after the Turboman doll, and the two butt heads in a variety of wacky chase scenes, none of which are successful. After some "comedic" business, everyone ends the movie happy. Yeah. There's not much to this one, friends.

Notable moments/quotes:
Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Put that cookie down! Now!"

There is also a character named Ted, who isn't really important to the plot, but he bears mentioning here. The sole purpose of Ted's character is to get into Ahrold's wife's pants. He spends most of the movie being as close to restraining order material as a PG movie can be. This reaches its peak when, while the future Govenator is out Christmas shopping, Ted stops by to help around the house. Everyone's favorite Austrian action star calls home, only for Ted to answer and make creepy sex noises while talking about how good the wife's cookies are. ...Yeah.

The movie also opens with a clip from the Powerman TV show, which is a gloriously cheesy short sequence that I would honestly watch an entire movie of. Powerman even has an adorable mascot/sidekick named Booster, and this lovable scamp will warm your heart with—

AHHHH KILL IT WITH FIRE

On a less furfaggoty note, this movie features a section in the middle that's pure gold. During the search for a Powerman doll, Ahnold makes a deal with a shady mall Santa, who takes him to a warehouse where a bunch of other mall Santas run some kind of popular toy smuggling... ring... or something. It's never quite clear. Ahnold finally gets the doll, only to discover he's been overcharged for a low-grade foreign knockoff. After a bizarre musical number, the movie indulges itself with a beautiful, divine five-minute fight scene where mall Santas numbering almost a hundred and wielding candy-cane nun-chucks fight Ahnald. This glorious melee is only halted when  This almost makes the rest of the movie worth it.

Almost.

My thoughts: This movie almost seems like weird Communist propaganda for most of it. "Ha! Look at the silly Americans fighting amongst themselves for one measly plaything!"

Poor Arnold spends the whole movie getting in trouble with the cops, enduring Sinbad, and generally suffering just over this one damn toy. Never is it even considered that he could get his kid something else... only Conflict Ball Man Powerman will do.

The acting is mostly atrocious, but that's kind of a given, given the blog.

I'm not left with much to say about this one. It's mostly forgettable, except for that fight scene in the middle. Anyone who's watched a lot of other Ahnold movies could probably get some mileage out of this from watching him play a hapless everyman who can't have anything go right until the very end of the movie. Aside from that... yeah, this is actually probably one to avoid, even for those of you with tastes like mine. Sometimes a loss at Movie Russian Roulette is just a loss. Worse luck next time, me!

I give this movie a Pachinko out of five.