Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (2005)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex cartwheels from talking about a movie that was basically softcore porn to a Lifetime original movie about the dangers of porn addiction. Am I going to have way too much fun with this?

You bet yer ass.

Also there's a trailer I guess.

Overview: Justin Petersen is your average, somewhat awkward teenage boy, but all in all he has a decent life. He kicks ass and takes names when it comes to swim meets, he's got a cute girlfriend named Amy, and he's at least respected by most of his classmates. But then came the evils of PORRRRRRN!

Who am I to argue with Google?

Justin discovers porn, and this somehow ruins his life as his grades slip, relationships fall apart, and his swimming "career" is shut down after he's caught looking up porn on school library computers. Can one overbearing mother save him?

"JUSTIN JUST LET ME SMOTHER YOU AND STUNT YOUR EMOTIONAL GROWTH"

Notable quotes/moments: Justin's little brother, Alex: "Fish boy's saving his spit for Amy."
Justin: "Yeah, well I'm saving my fist for you!" Noogies ensue.

Justin, talking about a swim meet trophy: "They put my plaque next to Mom's. Same case."

Amy: "I don't get the whole porn thing, I mean the way they do it, it's... all mechanical. Animal Channel shows better relationships."
Justin, already getting a little creepy: "Wow, didn't know you were into watching animals do it."

"Bonus, dude."

Justin's mom, starting quite possibly the greatest exchange in any Lifetime movie ever made: "Steven, Steven, wake up."
Steven, her husband: "What?"
"Justin's looking at porn."
Steven, after blinking a few times: "Oh. G'night, honey." He then rolls over and tries to get back to sleep.
Hellbitch: "Steven, he's looking at naked girls on his computer."
Voice of reason: "And?"
"Well, do you think that's normal?"
Wise sage: "Sure, that's what teenage boys do. They look at pictures of girls with big boobs. [...]"
Justin's beloved smother: "[...] I never said they had big boobs!"
Steven, from under the sheets: "They always do."

The next day, while at work, Justin's mom learns how to check history on a browser.
Co-worker: "Thing is, a kid worth his mouse knows how to clear the history."
Clueless standin that insults Lifetime's audience: "What's that mean?"

That night, her husband comes home from work, tired after pulling overtime to try to help them take a vacation. Despite the fact that she knows he doesn't think Justin watching porn is a problem and despite the fact that she offers no ideas when asked how to go about the conversation, she sends poor Steven in to talk to Justin about why porn is bad.

Steven, after an incredibly awkward talk including a story where he mentions having to hide his Playboys back in the day: "This making any sense to you?"
Justin: "No, sounds like Mom sent you in here."

Justin is at one point caught looking at the pronz by Alex, who has his older brother show him porn to keep him quiet.

protip: when hiding your porn, don't label it "VIRGIN VAGINAS"

After seeing porn, Alex is quiet at the dinner table, which Sue Supermom immediately notices.
Justin, covering: "Oh, he's all pumped up. He just defeated the drug dealer in Grand Theft Auto."

Later, Justin is shown looking at porn while disinterestedly talking to Amy.

yeah, pretty hardcore, bro

Justin's classmate: "Dude, nobody dates."

Later, after they get tired of what looks like 16-bit Call of Duty, Justin offers to show his buddy some "hotter" stuff. Apparently, over the course of about three days, Justin goes from vanilla porn to...

HEL-LO!

Justin's friend is disgusted at this and spreads the word at school that Justin is a weird pervert.

Meanwhile, the movie shows us that porn follows poor Justin all the way to a big swim meet, where Justin's boner apparently drags him down to a third place finish. Rather than celebrate his place, his mom goes on the warpath, declaring how he could have done better.

The Wise Sage Steven, voicing what every reasonable person is thinking to his wife: "I think you're pushing him way too hard to be like you."

Eventually, the 'rents discover that Alex has been looking at porn, and they're pissed. Alex takes the fall rather than ratting out his bro. Like a bro.

Alex, after helping his mom install a website filter on the family computer: "Mom, you know we can get around the software, right?"
Clueless bitch: "What do you mean? It doesn't work?"

Justin eventually goes to see a borderline camwhore classmate after Amy dumps him over his porn addiction. They go up to her parents' room (for some reason), get on the bed... and Justin blueladyballs her, telling her "This isn't how I pictured it."

Yeah, that was about my expression too

After such a painful rejection, the poor girl does the only logical thing: go into her bathroom, headbutt the counter, then look at the blood seeping down her temple.

Uh... what?

She then has her actual boyfriend and his homies beat up Justin, claiming Justin pummeled her.

cue the Linkin Park knockoff music

Justin's mom: "You've been buying porn with my credit card!"
Justin, hilariously missing the point: "I'm gonna pay you back, mom, every cent."

My thoughts: This movie is a treasure. It's so precious, so beautiful, because so many things are just wrong. The teens' dialogue, the rapidity of Justin's decline, the fact that the mom is supposed to be the hero but comes off overbearing... it's all just so endearing to watch. This movie is like the Sharknado of Lifetime movies. If you have any idea whatsoever what life is like for teenagers these days, this movie morphs from a cautionary tale into zany self-parody.

Now, first things first, a disclaimer: I've been that teenager who got into porn earlier than he should. That's hardly groundbreaking, but I also hardly think it ruined me for life. I feel there's a certain amount of growing up and mistakes a parents needs to let a teenager do on his or her own, and I'm kind of glad porn was one for me. I feel like it's far worse to tell teenagers' raging hormones that no, you get no outlet, just bottle it up inside and let it drive you crazy. But hey, I can see where this movie's coming from. Too much porn is bad. After all, the film's final poignant depiction of the depravity Justin falls to chills even me.

Yes, technically somewhat clothed anime girls. Shocking. Shocking.

But seriously, if porn actually worked like the movie says it does, it'd be an evil well worth railing against. In three months, Justin goes from star athlete and at least passable student to delinquent unable to get through the day without looking at porn. All I'm saying is I envy the kid's refractory period if he's looking at porn that often, although the movie never shows him (ahem) using it. Can't have that in this family picture, although I'm sure the director's cut included a scene where Justin jerks it in the pool only for his semen to float into Amy's vagina (because she also swims on the team) and get her teen pregnant, all due to the EEEEEEVILS of porn.

However, in my years of looking at porn, it never interfered with my life on this level. At worst, it's kept me up on some late nights. And maybe led me to some things that a human memory can never fully unsee. But hey, that's the fun of the internet, right?

Anyway, while the movie treats Justin's addiction as the main problem, I would argue that shitty parenting is also to blame. On the one hand, Justin's mom, a long ways from her fun Road House days, is absolutely smothering, jumping down her boys' throats at the first sign of any problem real or imagined. Hell, the movie itself basically admits she's living vicariously through Justin, since she was a swimmer back in college and says Justin is better than she used to be. On the other, there's the lassiez-faire attitude of The Steven, who takes basically no action until the problem is so critical that it's almost beyond fixing. A middle ground between these two was definitely needed. While Steve's reaction at first that "Eh, all boys look at porn" was fine at first, when the kid actually starts having problems this hinders trying to help him. Even beyond their individual attitudes, these two just keep falling for incredibly basic bullshit. Going out to see his girlfriend is "studying" and his computer time is "working on papers." Even after he's semi- or completely grounded and know he's having problems, they still let him roam about town and get worse on the flimsiest possible excuses. There's something to be said for trust, but goddamn.

Adding to this kid's problems is his girlfriend, Amy. She's a good little Christian drone and wants to wait until some unspecified time to have sex with Justin. Now, I'm not saying that a girlfriend is required to put out, but Justin's issues definitely weren't being helped by a girlfriend adding onto his sexual frustration by convincing her parents to let her boyfriend up to her room to "do math homework" and then actually doing math homework. (More crappy parenting there; Amy's parents just got lucky, somehow.) Amy is even instantly jealous after Justin exchanges a few words with another girl, showing she's at least a little controlling.

On a completely different note, this movie takes itself 100% seriously, which is part of its charm. Only The Steven seems to be having any fun, and the movie doesn't let him get much snark in. This movie even pulls the classic trick of opening with Justin all beat up and bloody throwing himself into the pool, then giving us a "THREE MONTHS LATER" like it's supposed to be some mystery or something. The movie's final scene is a sickeningly heartfelt "how we got here" with Justin that shows him summoning up all his willpower and swimming towards his future or some poorly defined bullshit, or so the swelling music would have you believe. I choose to believe that he become a teenaged alcoholic and breathed his last in the gutter jerking it to La Blue Girl (no link for you, look it up if you care) or something. After all, the movie clearly shows us that each time he swears to get better and control himself, he fucks it up. Why should the movie's finale be any different? Just because he got the crap kicked out of him and has flashbacks to swimming? Psssssh. Save your fakey, feel-good, vaguely abstinence progaganda bullshit. This kid was desperate enough to look at porn in a school library and showed no remorse for doing so, even after it wrecked his school life.

Oh, and the movie is also too cheap to use Linkin Park, so they get a crappy knockoff to provide a few tracks. I searched and I searched, but I sadly couldn't find them to share. You'll just have to watch the movie; they're almost as hilarious as the dialogue.

When your movie is too lame to have these guys, things are not good.

In summary, this is a badly written, hamfistedly acted, and all-around awful Lifetime movie and I adore it and have seen it at least seven times. We need more like this, with Nicolas Cage in a major role. Make the investment, Lifetime. He's worth every penny and will do literally any movie for the right paycheck. It would be the happiest moment of my life.

I give this movie a Nicolas Cage Bonds with some Iguanas out of five. Send me Nicolas Cage porn on Facebook and money for Nicolas Cage porn on Patreon.