Vampire's Kiss (1988)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex revisits a true masterpiece.

yesssssss.

Overview: Peter Lowe is a fucking crazy person who begins to think he's a vampire after a fling with a seductive lady who may or may not be a vampire and may or may not exist. Meanwhile, Lowe is the worst boss ever to an employee. Cage picks the dumbest accent ever to supposedly honor his father. He also rapes somebody.

"You know how it is."

Notable moments/quotes: The movie opens with around 15 minutes of long pans around NYC, showing us they just needed to pad the running time, because one movie can only contain so much Cage craziness.

While getting busy with his latest conquest, a bat flies into the room. The girl runs out, hysterical, leaving Cage to yell "Shoo!" in his silly New York accent several times.

it looks even worse when it moves, trust me

Cage, however, always looks flawless <3

Cage, to therapist: "I brought this girl up to my place the other night. Really hot, y'know."

Therapist, trying to understand when Cage says he got an erection from struggling with the bat: "You were fighting this bat and that's when you had this... new feeling."
Cage, matter-of-fact: "Yes, that is the precise order of events."

Cage, talking to Rachel, the vampire he brought home: "What a glorious Sunday. How nice to not have to go to work! ...No comments about my coffee, please. If you don't like it, I'll send out." He then offers the coffee to nobody as his hand trembles.

This shit is like Garfield Minus Garfield at times

Other lady Cage is out at a museum with: "Well, do you like [the painting]?"
Cage: "Gotta take a piss." He then leaves the museum, calls a cab, and goes home without another word.

Meanwhile, in what feels like another movie, Cage has tasked a secretary named Alva to find an old contract for an author his agency works with. He calls her into his office to listen to his end of the phone conversation with said author. The author is very friendly and says there's no rush. Cage ends the call, then claims the man was so mad he couldn't get a word in edgewise.

When Cage tries to patch things up with the lady he ditched, Rachel the vampire appears and Cage suddenly forgets all about the other girl to go be with her.

Meanwhile, Nosferuckingatu plays on the TV. I can't make this shit up.

Cage, in response to his therapist saying she can't know who misfiled the precious contract: "You can't? Ha! And you call yourself a psychiatrist."

Cage, in one of his finest moments: "Alva... there is no one else in this entire office I could possibly ask to share such a horrible job. You're the lowest on the totem pole here, Alva. The lowest. Do you realize that? Every other secretary who's been here has been here longer than you, Alva. Every one. And even if there was someone who had been here just one day longer than you, I still wouldn't dream of having them take part in such a horrible, horrible job. Sifting through old contract after old contract. And you have to do it. You have to! Or I'll fire you, Alva, do you understand?!"

Yes, the meme's origin at last.

Cage, without any context after Alva flees his office: "Don't you wanna use your gun... Alva?"

On his way home, Cage sees a neon-lit cross. This makes him fall down.

After another fling with Rachel, Cage lets her into the shower with him. The audience cannot see her, and get treated to Cage's hairy chest instead.

One night after getting home from work, Cage eats a cockroach that he finds crawling on his stove. The significance of this is never really explained.

The next day, Cage finds Alva has called in sick. He then finds her address and takes a taxi there.

Alva: "Are you alright, Mr. Lowe?"
Cage, sounding demonic: "Shut up, bitch." 

Alva, freaking the fuck out at this point, gets a revolver and some blanks from her brother, a mechanic.

Cage, looking in a mirror: "Oh Christ, where am I?"

note we can see him just fine

 Cage, backing Alva into a dark corner of the office basement after hours: "Alva, [shoot me] or I'll fire you, you understand?"

Alva: "Don't rape me!"
Our hero: "Rape you? I will!"

Cage then rapes her. Midway through, Rachel appears in place of Alva. The significance of this is never really explained.

Cage attempts suicide with the blanks, which fails and convinces him he's a vampire. His reaction? "Boo-hoo! ...Boo-hoo!"

Cage, failing his final Diplomacy check vs. Rachel: "She's a goddamn vampire! Look at her teeth!" Her only response is an enigmatic smile.

yes, those are cheap plastic vampire fangs in Cage's mouth

 Cage, to bystander: "My girlfriend broke up with me. I'm a vampire. Kill me!"

Cage, for no real reason: "Augh! The tortures of the damned!"

My thoughts: This is Nic Cage at his batshit craziest. It was this movie that cemented Cage's reputation as a god of bad movies in my mind. Has the Cage been in good movies? Sure he has. However, for my money it doesn't get any better than terrible movies like this one, where Cage chews the scenery to hammy bits in literally every scene.

Now, this movie suffers from the minor problem of having no idea what the fuck it's doing. Is it a romantic comedy showcasing the struggle to find love in modern society? A horror film showing one good man being ruined by a creature of the night? A drama about the diseased mind of one man spiraling out of control and ruining the lives of others? It skips merrily around between all these themes, choosing none and yet all of them. In this way, it's a little like The Room years before Wiseau even dared to dream of it.

The movie also makes a big deal out of its main subplot of "Does Rachel exist?" but provides no actual closure to it. Half the time she's "on screen" and Cage is speaking to her, we see nothing. His final confrontation with her is ambiguous as well as to whether she's a vampire or not. Ultimately, the question hangs in the balance of if she (and thus Cage) are actually vampires or not. In a good movie, this could have been a great source of uncertainty and been used to explore some deep issues of both characters. However, here the movie gives a giant wink, nod, and a "Heloooooo sailor" to the side of "No, Cage is just a crazy person" as he wanders around in the day, vomits after drinking blood, and other small moments that scream that he's just another NYC crazy.

I mean, don't get me wrong. This movie is an absolute delight to watch, but that is 145% because of Cage's performance. The script, the setting, and the editing is all horrifyingly wrong somehow. This is one of those movies that mere words can't cover. I've watched this movie more times than anyone should, and I'm still at a loss to explain its existence. This is one of those unique pieces of trash that can and should be cherished for what it is: a primer on how to not make a movie. Unlike most movies that feature him, the only correct choice these people made was casting Cage.

I give this movie a Nic Cage is a Vampire out of five. Encourage me to be less fucking lazy with my choice of movies on Facebook and Patreon.

but the Cage