Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, I sat through Battle Beyond the Stars, a delightful film that... oh wait, it's on this blog. No. It's terrible.

The lower-middle class man's Star Wars.

Overview: This movie is about a spacemilquetoast whose name I can't recall, but he looks like a slightly less punchable Wesley Crusher.

Sorry, Wheaton, but that face just begs for a fist.

Our hero comes from a peaceful society who abhor violence (except when they don't), and don't have any standing military to speak of. So, when the neighborhood Bald Conqueror Guy comes knocking, they have no plan except to take it deep, a plan brilliantly shown by a scene where two clueless satellite operators repeatedly say "Hello?" to a giant evil ship with metal space testicles before it kills them for no reason at all.

So, having no defense plan to speak of, our intrepid, brave hero sets off and whines like a child told she can't have a pony for her sixth birthday to try to find people who will fight for them. He assembles a motley crew of seven mercenaries, mostly by telling them there's no reward in it for them, which somehow convinces them. Seriously, as a negotiator, this guy is even worse than Mr. "Peace in our time" Chamberlain. This kid, a teenage boy, actually complains about having to have sex with a lady in order to win someone's trust. (It somehow makes sense in context.)

The mercenaries are a varied bunch, and they add a lot of life to the screen, as our Skywalker stand-in is somehow even blander than Hayden Christensen. Notable members include a straight She-Ra in space, an 80 year-old cowboy who has a utility belt that dispenses scotch and soda, and a cold-blooded murderer who adds a delightful intensity whenever he appears on screen.

Notable moment: I have only one good quote from this, and it more or less sums up the movie. Eighty-year old space cowboy man (I just looked it up, and the movie never actually gives him a name) is getting ready to fight a massive army. He just drank some scotch.

Someone: "You forgot the soda and ice!"
John Wayne wannabe: "No. No I didn't."

My thoughts: So far, this is the best movie I've watched for the blog. It, surprisingly, has some production value given the era. The music is pretty competent, and it survives the handicap of being something of a Star Wars wannabe, unlike some movies.

The lower class man's Star Wars.

But seriously, this movie opens with a shot that more or less is the iconic scene from the first Star Wars movie, only minus the Rebel ship. Sadly, there's no David Hasselhoff running around with a discount lightsaber.

Parts of the movie are legitimately thrilling, helped by the competent score and the movie occasionally wising up and realizing that nobody likes seeing annoying kids on-screen all the time. However, some moments are just odd, such as the aforementioned "but I don't wanna have sex with a girl" scene, as well as Space-Ra engaging in awkward girl talk after spending the rest of the movie doing nothing but make "strong female character" (read: male character with boobs) noises about how she must fight all the time and battle is everything and honor and blah blah blah.

However, for a B movie, it's not completely terrible. There are some fun moments in here, but it's not that great. That's about all this movie comes down to; I was actually hoping this movie was worse so I could rage at it more. Ah well, I'm bound to "win" at Movie Russian Roulette from time to time. I give this movie a Nic Cage wants a lawyer out of ten.