Things (1989)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the strangest goddamned thing he's ever seen.

"My name is not Inigo Montoya. You didn't kill my father. Prepare to live."

Overview: The movie opens with a man talking with a woman in a demon mask. He asks her to bear a child for him, as he and his wife haven't been able to. She strips silently, then goes to take a shower. When the man insists she doesn't need to freshen up, she states she's already borne his child and hands over a cradle. The man oohs and ahhs, but then the baby is a monster who attacks him. The man then wakes up from this dream that the movie spent the first ten minutes on. The significance of this is never really explained.

Empty Chamber #2

Well friends, it's that time again: Alex watched a few movies that he had a few things to say about, but for one reason or another weren't worthy of a full blog post. Up this time are Dead Heat, The Black Gestapo, Heavenly Sword, The Way of the Dragon (aka Return of the Dragon), and Mantera.

Strippers vs. Werewolves (2012)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex finally gets fed up with "bad on purpose" modern films.

the Breast Council would like to remind you that breasts exist

Overview: This movie's trailer would have you believe this is a sexy, action-packed film where gun-toting strippers fight "werewolves" who just gain gross sideburns when they transform. Well, only about half of that is true.

The Net (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex takes a journey back to the days when AOL was king and that dial-up noise would soothe the soul. This is The Net. And it has a perfectly cheesy trailer.

Overview: The movie opens with the U.S. Undersecretary of Defense receiving distressing news and having his driver take him about town to clear his head. After calling his wife and kid on his giant 90s cell phone and apologizing for having to work late, the man calmly loads a revolver and kills himself in a park. The significance of this is left unexplained for about 80 minutes (and is ultimately kind of inconsequential for something the movie spends so much time setting up).

Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex sits through an uncomfortable borderline-porn that seemed to think way more people would be into sexy werewolves than actually were.

As usual, furries don't count

Overview: A Montana sheriff, Ben, is mourning his sister, Karen, who was killed in a bizarre incident while working as a TV news anchorwoman. His sort-of girlfriend (it's not really clear), who is also a reporter, has taken an interest in Karen's death as part of incidents involving "wild dogs" (emphasis most definitely mine). A well-dressed man informs the duo after the funeral that Karen was a werewolf after showing them "the lost tape" from her last broadcast (where she transforms on the air by putting on an ape mask and gets killed), and this of course inspires them to fight against a sexy werewolf army.

...That's never going to get any less creepy to type.

Pompeii (2014)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex gets to renew his vows of loathing towards Jon Snow.

fuck you and your vacant emo boy stare

Overview: Kit Harington of Game of Thrones fame stars as Milo, a vacant-eyed, mostly emotionless warrior. So he's really stretching his acting muscles on this one. Now I guess I know how normal people feel when I gush about my completely normal, debilitating mancrush on Benedict Cumberbatch and won't shut up about Sherlock.

but really who wouldn't be his Cumberbitch

Ben & Arthur (2002)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie that is like the unholy offspring of The Room and Birdemic: Shock and Terror.

Not unholy because it's gay; unholy because it's awful

Overview: Ben and Arthur are two happily together gay men who have pretty ordinary lives. Ben (the one in the cover shot) is a soulful nurse who really just wants to play his music. Arthur is unemployed, kind of ugly, and whiny. This is basically the gay version of that sitcom trope where the fat guy with the crappy job has an impossibly hot wife. These two fight cri- wait, no. I wish.