Empty Chamber #1

Sometimes, I try and I try, but I can't find a movie I can tear into enough to write an entertaining review about it. So, I'm introducing a new thing today: the Empty Chamber. For all those times I want to play Movie Russian Roulette but just can't find the right ammo.

These reviews will focus on movies I've seen that I tried to watch for the blog, but either weren't bad or weren't bad enough. They'll be very curt reviews, summing things up briefly, but I'll go over at least four movies as I do it. Expect my choice of films to be all over the map (although American action flicks tend to be my forte, as they have at least a decent chance of being schlocktastic).

Movies reviewed in this post are: Beowulf, Agent F.O.X. (found on Netflix, a quick Google search is coming up dry for further information), Species, and Curse of the Dragon Slayer.

Beowulf (2007):

HE. IS. BEOWULF!

I went into this one expecting it to be awful. My notes started out gleefully noting how the CGI was uncanny valley fabulous and looked like an original Xbox game trying too hard to be "realistic," but this movie actually ended up impressing me on its own merits as a good movie.

The movie centers on one of the oldest known tales in the Western world, so I won't bother providing a summary for any illiterates in the audience. I'd heard this movie take some flak for messing with some things from the epic poem, but to my eye, the changes they made to the story largely make Beowulf a more human character. He's easier to relate to as a modern moviegoer, because he's not just an invincible warrior who fights monsters (yes I know the epic is about more than that, driving at a point here). A lot of moral ambiguity is added through a few clever spins and symbolism, and it really ended up making the experience richer. Like a good adaptation, it approached the source material with an eye for what would or would not work for its specific medium. The epic itself probably wouldn't have contained enough for a full movie to be made of it unless the moviemakers padded things out somewhere, and I for one am glad they padded the story rather than the fights. (Although Beowulf's final fight with the dragon does go on for quite some time.)

Agent F.O.X. (2014):

Sly Cooper this kid ain't

Dumb but serviceable children's entertainment/insidious furry indoctrination propaganda. Let your children watch it if you hate them.

Also, the lead character's voice actor sounds so young that I'm pretty sure they broke child labor laws to make this. That's really all I have to say. It's bad, it's dumb, but I just get exhausted rather than amused by this. Also, the movie is mostly friendship speeches rather than secret agent shenanigans.

Species (1997):

If the reply is tits, send more messages

A shady government team consisting of a discount Patrick Stewart, a soldier, two scientists, and a black guy who is psychic track down a human/alien hybrid. This hybrid aims to destroy humanity... by having sex with its men. I think the reasons why I believed this would be awful are obvious.

When the movie focuses on he alien chick, it's occasionally compelling; the movie has some clever moments showing her adapting to and learning about human society. She doesn't automatically know everything, and it's kind of a refreshing twist to see an alien infiltrator totally out of her element, almost seeming like an underdog until she starts sexing/killing people.

However, the movie is very fixated on the human characters, which is its downfall. Five minutes after the movie ended, I couldn't remember any of their names. Their personalities were fairly one-dimensional: the soldier is gruff, the Not-Picard is British, the scientists are socially awkward, and the black guy is a font of ethnic wisdom. Absolutely none of their interactions are compelling, and most scenes are the characters following in the alien chick's sexy footsteps (which we were often just shown minutes before). This lets the movie spend double or more the time on the same events, and the resolutions to these "deduction" scenes are often "THE BLACK GUY DID PSYCHIC THINGS, SHE WENT THIS WAY!"

This could have been so much more. So much more.

Curse of the Dragon Slayer (AKA SAGA: Curse of the Shadow) (2014):

There are almost no dragons in this movie

Now, in my follow-up research for this entry, I'm now finding that this is part of an independent series that grew out of a webisode thing to become an indie movie, which... shit. Almost makes me like it.

Many of the complaints I had revolve around the lack of worldbuilding and the generic feel, but if this was an indie thing... ehhh. I'm more inclined to give this some slack.

Anyway, a warrior who's some kind of inquisitor for Generic Good Fantasy Religion #179 teams up with an asskicking lady elf warrior (who has some fantastic fight choreography and actually seemed like a half-decent actor) to save the land from Generic Evil Fantasy Religion #9,723. Complications, curses, and undead dwarves with shotguns happen, but eventually they prevail. They also team up with an orc, who is also played by a half-decent actor.

Sadly, there wasn't much to write home about here. The plot was predictable, the characters were fairly one-note, and although the acting was okay and fight scenes adequate, it ends up just being forgettable.