The King of Fighters (2010)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex discovers he is really bad at keeping track of Asian names.

That tagline should be your first warning

Overview: A bad guy who speaks with a Cockney accent 50% of the time hijacks a tournament fought by people who use magical Bluetooth headsets powered by 3,000 year old museum pieces somehow that allow the users to enter the Internet/alternate realities so that the filmmakers don't actually have to justify having sets that are literally just fighting arenas.



Some Asian guy who looks drunk all the time keeps muttering some things about legends. Meanwhile, a pair of lesbians fight and then get mind-controlled or something by the half-Cockney bad guy. Then, the suspiciously white guy saves the day from a floating ball of tentacles that is apparently the Orochi or Cockney devil guy who can kill people in Bluetoothland or whatever this movie is about.

Not quite this racist

For once, I can't comment on how faithfully this followed the video games it's based on, since this is based on some fighting game series that nobody gives a shit about. Sadly, my forte is role-playing games nobody gives a shit about. And Bison dollars.

Notable moments/quotes: Following in a proud tradition, this movie proudly features knockoff Linkin Park music over some pivotal moments.

After one of the lesbians gets kidnapped to guilt her girlfriend into tricking everyone into being a part of Bluetoothland's hacked fights where people can die or something, there is a pretty unambiguous rape attempt scene. The next time we see said lesbian, she's apparently been dicked into being a S&M clad henchman.

(Context: drunk older Asian man is trying to convince a CIA officer that Bluetoothland is another dimension.)
Random unimportant guy: "Actually, string theory supports the idea of up to 12 other dimensions..."
CIA Dudebro: "You got beat up as a kid a lot, right?"

One of the main characters is a CIA plant trying to uncover the secrets of this underground fighting tournament. Or something. Nothing in this movie makes any sense.

Butch Lesbian: "I can't be you!"
Butchier Lesbian: "I don't need you to be me. I need you... to be you." *dies*

My thoughts: Some might accuse me of going after low-hanging fruit by tackling a video game adaptation. Those people are right. But hey, a target's a target, no matter how easy.

But he is the only genius in this business

This movie is thoroughly, incomprehensibly bad. It doesn't even attempt to have a logical plot; it doesn't have the sense to just stick to "fight the bad dude" level of plotting, as the people writing the "script" likely would have been challenged by just trying to write terrible Twilight fanfiction. Instead, there has to be magical Bluetooth headsets (have I mentioned those yet? Because they're just that ridiculous) and bad guys with accents less consistent than G.I. Joe characters.

Overall, it's entertaining and dumb and I can already barely remember much about it, even with my notes. I give this movie a Nic Cage Defends a Bunny Rabbit out of five.