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| Spoiler: none of these people |
Overview: The Goonies, but apocalyptic and bad.That's it, I'm done. Go home. No Cage for you this time.
I WARNED YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU
The Protectorate is the default evil empire who controls everything on Earth. They do this by controlling water and having literally all the guns. Or something. We're introduced to them by them breaking up some kind of future street hockey with a full platoon of dudes in armored Jeeps with lasers. The level of fucking around is low. Quite low.
In the aftermath of this game, one of the Solarbabies (best name for a hockey team, right) stumbles across an orb that gives the kid his hearing back two seconds after we learn the kid is deaf. This somehow sets the Solarbabies on a globetrotting adventure to do something involving bringing rain back. Because apparently the Protectorate has made it so it can't rain.
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| The opposite of this |
Notable moments/quotes: "I can hear. You did it. You fixed my ears." -Dumb kid, said to pearl
One of the Solarbabies, called Darkstar because it was the eighties, finds a band of... there's really no other way to say this... Native American stereotypes. They're all about nature and the Earth and corporations are bad and stuff and OH HEY DARKSTAR YOU'RE ONE OF US. Several minutes later, the Protectorate rolls through and kills them all, which leads to my favorite exchange of the movie when the rest of the cast finds this:
Not-Goonie 1: "Darkstar..."
Xtreme Rad to the Max Kid 2: "We should bury him."
Not-Goonie 1: "Why?"
Default and generic villain of the movie whose name I can't remember: "I believe this man has solied himself. Wash him." His minions then do.
My thoughts: It's bad. How bad? The sphere at the beginning that gives the completely unimportant kid his hearing back is called the Sphere of Longinus. GUYS WE CAN MYTHOLOGY GUYS
Not much to say about this one. It's bad, but kids who eat paste might enjoy it if they have very specific tastes (post-apocalypse and hockey). Maybe.
I give this movie a Nic Cage Investigates an Accident out of five.
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