Dragonfyre (2013)

I'm just going provide this thing's Netflix description: "A reluctant ex-solider is drawn into a war between orcs and dragons in order to save a beautiful princess on his remote ranch in the American West."

Go on. Say it aloud. Let it sink into your mind a bit. Done? Good.

Now, if you have any opinion other than "that's the best sentence I've heard since the Netflix description for the Chuck Norris magnum opus that is The Octagon," you are wrong.

Sadly there is only one dragon

Overview: Our story begins with a generic day chase scene, with a small army of orcs chasing one elf princess chick with two guards who get taken out almost immediately. She dashes through a cave... where she is met by a grizzled man of roughly 70 wearing a badass black duster.
Old man: "Evenin' boys."
Lead orc: "The wizard!"
The old man then cuts down the small army with an AK47, dual pistols, and finally a shotgun.

Unfortunately, the best character in the movie is killed about five minutes in when an actress wearing a dress made of cheap gauze gives him a heart attack in a hilariously overpowered attack that said gauze mummy immediately forgets about and never takes advantage of again.

We immediately cut to an ex-solider who's buying the old guy's house. He quickly meets the elf, writes her off as crazy, but after fighting the orcs, takes up the fight with zero complaints. The movie, after stopping for a brief distraction with Whitefeather, a blind Native who spews exposition, the movie becomes more or less a nonstop fight scene of people shredding orcs, because guns. A dragon also appears and wrecks shit.

Notable quotes/moments: As hinted at above, the orcs call everyone who has a gun a wizard. This gets progressively funnier as time goes on.

I wish.

Real estate agent, to Soulja Boy: "You hear about all the celebrities and athletes... but I think you're the real American hero. Thank you."

In one scene, a few hillbillies are camping when the orcs ambush them and start a-murderin'. The elf appears out of nowhere, shanks two orcs, then flees while everyone stands there for a good three minutes. Only then do the orcs call for pursuit.

There's a delightful fight scene that plays out like a mini-horror movie in reverse: the monsters (the orcs) split up to explore a darkened house, and get killed off one by one by the good guys. Very cathartic.

Superman that hoe: "All your other orc buddies are dead. Now get off my land or I'll hunt each and every one of you down. Slowly if I get the chance."
Random Uruk-Hai: "I wouldn't be so sure, wiz--"
He is unable to complete the sentence, as his head gets blown off by some choice shotgun sniping.

Orc who has a name but looks like all the rest so I can't be bothered to remember it: "There'll be enough blood for the sacrifice. We fell her here! Fire!" Right before the orc archers can pincushion Princess Aleia (not a joke, that's her actual name), Captain Generic roars through on a four-wheeler, headshotting orc after orc with an AK.

At one point, the real estate agent, ignorant of all this crazy shit going on, arrives to see how Corporal Cocky is liking his new house. Her car gets blown up by a flaming catapault, and roughly five seconds later, she's on the roof of the crappy farmhouse, sniping like a pro. My personal theory is that they ran out of actors and had her for a few more takes, so why not?

Real estate agent, cornered by an orc who stole a gun: "You messed with the wrong bitch... bitch!"

My thoughts: This movie made my day. About 70% of it is just fight scenes, and that's exactly what this movie needs. Fully all of the budget was blown on the orc costuming (it actually looks pretty good, considering), so the CGI for the dragon is... bad. Beyond bad. Season one ReBoot bad.

Yeah.

This movie knows what it is and doesn't pretend at anything else. It's a dumb action movie that doesn't waste time on much of a "story" and just gets straight to the boom headshots. I admire that purity of purpose in a movie. It knows its place. This curbs the potential comedy somewhat, as the crappy actors don't have as much time to be awful at delivery, but it does give the movie to deliver exactly what you expect: a Western/fantasy gunfest.

I give this movie a Nicolas Cage ESCAPES ANGRY out of five.