Message from Space (1978)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex realizes that Japan made crappy movies around the 80s as well.

SO FANTASTIC

Overview: Japan sees Star Wars and decides, "Hey we can do that too!" just like Star Crash in Italy. Except... it's Japan, so things get a little... weird. As in "magical nuts choose the heroes who will save an alien race." Longtime readers should know that, sadly, I'm not kidding.

Somewhere out in space, cross-dressing Rita Repulsa is a great conqueror who lords over a blasted-out planet he took from a woefully underprepared and technologically inferior foe with the help of his oni space racism army. The natives are restless and planning rebellion... by sending out magical, universe-hopping acorns that will find the eight warriors who will save them.

Yeah.

From there, we meet a series of the usual suspects: a rich girl who's naive, a swindler, two daredevils, some guy who's in the movie for like ten minutes and the MANLIEST MAN TO EVER GRACE THE COSMOS*. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to General Garuda, the true hero of this picture.

"Why yes, I can make frills look manly. Move the fuck over, Matrim."

General Garuda is the real reason to watch this picture. We're introduced to the good General by seeing him launch a precious rocket into space and explode it because the army dismantled his robot butler; Garuda felt the robot needed a funeral. After being told, basically, that they'll have his badge, he reveals he already tendered his resignation. He then dresses like a space pimp and gains super powers through alcoholism like the ability to space travel while blacked out into an illegal part of space and pass out in a ghost ship without anyone onboard realizing it.

"Fetch me three beers: one for me and two for my mustache."

This man also wins a space pistol duel in the greatest manner possible. He gets shot with a laser (instant death or at least a stun to mere mortals in this movie) three paces before the appointed start of the duel. General Garuda shrugs it off, glares at his foe, then walks the remaining paces. He turns, levels his gun... and refuses to fire, because the General don't roll that way. The shame of daring to think a mere death ray could defeat the most powerful alcoholic to ever live is a fate far worse than death for that peon.

General Garuda and the characters who don't matter then go on to save the world or something. There are also samurai swordfights for reasons I cannot explain beyond >Japan

Notable Garuda moments/quotes, because everyone else in the movie is irrelevant:
The General's new robot butler, carrying in new clothes: "Boba-2 get good deal at space thrift shop."

Knockoff ROB: "After too much, all booze taste like scotch."
The embodiment of testosterone: "You're starting to sound like my ex-wife."

Our Lord and Space Savior, having decided to attack the enemy army alone: "Tell the Chairman that Don Quixote is back."
Insignificant underling: "Who?"
Commander Shepard, Alpha Version: "He'll know what it means."

Space Samurai Ganondorf: "Stop! She is about to die. Unless you would rather die instead?"
Alleged Protagonist who is not Garuda and thus cannot be the protagonist: "No! I'm a human being from the planet Earth! And I don't care what you do with her!"
Blade Grasp: "You lie. Because you love her!"
McGeneric, Guy: "No! I don't love anybody! Why would I sell her if I loved her?!"
After this dramatic and completely logical build-up and exchange, the villain kills the love interest, leading to the best extended scream since Troll 2's infamous "OH MY GOOOOOD." Moments later, it was, of course, all a dream.

At one point when Garuda isn't around to keep those damn kids in line, the heroes sell the main female character into wife-slavery to a lizard man from Pluto, who takes a whip to his new bride-to-be/future rape victim for a few very uncomfortable minutes. She is rescued/captured by the enemy, but naturally upon reuniting with the group, she never so much as says, "Oh by the way, thanks for sex trafficking me and almost getting me raped. I'm going to pay you back with some maiming now." Instead... YAAY WE'RE ALL BACK TOGETHER.

sexism: it was even more of a thing then!

Speaking of the villains, the main enemy, named... Rock... salt... or something (names are hard, y'all have IMDB), spends a good 85% of the movie being ordered around by his mother, despite being an emperor. Sorry, bad guy, but not even blowing up the moon redeems you from that.

My thoughts: As the lack of posts lately likely suggested, I have been failing to find a good awful movie for a while now. I tried The Wicker Man (boring until the last 10 minutes), Left Behind (not even Cage could save this one), The Avengers (not the one you're thinking of, I assure you... although if I can find a working DVD/entirely legitimate video file copy through almost certainly legal methods I'd probably do a post on this, because what I saw was great), The Big Lebowski (moments of brilliance overshadowed by a giant wave of what felt like a poor man's Dumb & Dumber), and The Weather Man (that rarest of movies: a good film featuring Nic Cage), to name a few, but none did the trick until this.

I've watched a few sci-fi films from this era before, including Battle Beyond the Stars, Barbarella, and of course the oft-referenced majestic beauty that is Starcrash, but only this movie goes whole hog and reaches peak insanity. I have deliberately left out a good number of downright weird moments as well as most of the plot in this review, because to be perfectly blunt, when the story starts with magical space acorns finding the saviors of an alien race, I really don't know what else I need to say about it.

oh noes evidence of my image stealing

The dubbing, when it's there, is serviceable for a movie of this era, although it will pull you out of things every once in a while when two very Asian outlaws are called Shiro and... Aaron. Well, I guess everything needs a Ken sometimes.

I give this movie a Nic Cage Reasons With an Angry Mob out of five. Anyone who can stomach the kind of crap I watch and has at least a passing interest in space operas as well as samurai flicks should probably give it a watch. You probably** won't regret it.

*: Title not valid if Nippon Ichi Software ever adapts that peerless fanfiction sequel, Soul Nomad and the Galaxy Eaters: Gig Destroys Space, into anything
**: Yes. Yes you will.