War of the Worlds: Goliath (2012)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a fanfiction movie.

if this shit won awards, i'm sober right now

Overview: Fifteen years after Welles' original War of the Worlds, humanity's only hope against another Martian invasion is a steampunk XCOM knockoff commanded by a random Russian and Teddy Roosevelt. In 1914. Yes, Cracked, I can hear you creaming yourself from here.


So yeah. We're in a regular World of Badass here. Giant steampunk AT-STs patrol the streets of New York. The Statue of Liberty is hoisting a gatling gun. The hero's father looks like Bruce Wayne. The full nine yards.

Ladies.

A multinational army called A.R.E.S. (Allied Resistance Earth Squadron), made up of soldiers from most nations, drills continuously for fear of the Martian threat. Our heroes are a small squad, made up of Captain Eric Welles (personality: British), Lieutenant Jen Cartner (personality: female), Corporal Patrick O'Brian (personality: Irish), and a few other stereotypes without any personality. Right when World War I is about to break out (Teddy's Russian counterpart actually states Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated), the Martians invade. War happens, and the heroes win in their machines of war that are animated far better than they themselves are. Pretty standard fare.

Notable moments/quotes: Because this is historical fanfiction, the main characters share a beer with Teddy Roosevelt himself. He is, of course, friends with them all. At one point, a random German soldier begins talking shit to Teddy. Teddy's response is to calmly take off his glasses, punch the unruly trooper in the face, and start a bar brawl.

"Oooh, fisticuffs! Splendid!"

Captain Tea and Crumpets, finishing up a corny/awesome speech the likes of which I haven't seen since Street Fighter: The Movie in an attempt to make his fellow soldiers ignore WWI for the alien threat: "I ask you... who will fight with me? As my brother?"
Walking Nazi Stereotype: "I vill! Duetschland can kiss my ass."

Because steampunk, in addition to AT-STs, there are also aircraft carriers... which are giant dirigibles. Hey, I guess since the Hindenburg hadn't been a thing yet...

Irish guy: "When I get back to New York, I'm going to drink five beers and make love to three women. No wait... make that 3 beers and five women!"

Late in the movie, when the alien attack has reached ARES headquarters, Teddy Roosevelt grabs a gatling gun and fights with the troops. A busty female aide has just failed at convincing the manliest Secretary of War to flee.
Too-logical-for-this-movie aide: "I understand. Your orders, sir?"
Teddy Roosevelt, staring the enemy down and cocking his gatling gun nonsensically and dramatically as though it were a shotgun: "Die well."

A few minutes later, when TR has mowed down most of the enemy attackers:
Aide: "Good shooting, sir!"
The GODDAMN Teddy: "Heh, you thought I was just another pretty face?"
Whatshername is immediately killed by a stray death ray. TR sheds a single manly tear and then continues fighting.

My thoughts: First and foremost, I have to give this movie credit where credit is due: the animation is absolutely beautiful. I was expected something a bit more along the lines of AniMen: the Galactic Battle, but this movie is gorgeous in every frame. Although the character design is a bit on the bland and generic side (giant muscly dudes, slim femme fatales), the real stars of the show, the steampunk weapons of war, look good enough to hump right then and there. Even the biggest peacemonger alive would get even something of a war-on from seeing these things.

The voice acting and direction is serviceable, with no real standouts save Jim Byrnes as Teddy Roosevelt, who really sells how larger-than-life the movie has made the man. There's nothing too distracting here, though; you won't get pulled out of the moment with any Xellos-level voice acting.

"Why on Earth would you expect the best character in the series to have a competent voice actor? Silly human."

For any steampunk fan, I'd say this would be an instant watch. Underneath all the corniness, it's overflowing with Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow-type fun (although amazingly this movie is probably better than that fetid piece of shit), and it's entertaining to see just how the filmmakers will make a momentary nod to actual history before completely disregarding it and animating more of their 13-year-old selves' wet dreams of steampunk soldiers fighting aliens. If you're an Orson Welles fan, well... yeah, stay away from this one. It shits on his memory repeatedly. However, since I'm not a cinema snob, and rather just a video game-addicted B movie otaku weeaboo who can feign angry disgust/love over shitty films forgotten by time or recent memory, I wholeheartedly approve of this drivel.

I give this movie a Nic Cage is a Vampire out of five. Til next time, friends.