Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex goes back to his roots: cheesy 80s action flicks.

and never continues :(

Overview: Remo Williams is an ex-Marine turned cop who unwittingly fakes his own death. He is then recruited by a shadowy agency to be an assassin for the President, because of course he is. Racism and glorious 80s training montages ensue. When your movie states up-front that it's based on "The Destroyer" novel series, you know you're in for a helluva ride.


Full disclosure before I continue, now. This movie recommendation actually came straight from Deadly Premonition, which is the B movie of video games, featuring a main character who waxes nostalgic about punk rock and 80s movies while not fighting zombies in a town that has a suspicious resemblance to Twin Peaks. I don't blog about so bad they're good video games here, but if you like games that are just a bit outside the norm and can stomach janky controls, check it out.

"That's right, Zach. This turkey/jelly/cereal sandwich is amazing."

Williams must be trained by an Asian stereotype named Chiun, who is the best character in the movie. This character speaks with the most racist accent I've heard, but he is a martial arts master who hates absolutely everything about America... except for our shitty soap operas, which he watches continuously while not training Williams. He finds little bits of brilliance in the crap.

The reasons why I immediately identified with this character should be obvious.

Anyway, Williams fights bad guys on the Statue of Liberty and stops a corrupt CEO from doing something bad involving satellites that don't actually exist. It's never really made clear. Explosions are walked away from in slow motion. Willford Brimley is a spymaster. It's an 80s action movie made in America! It doesn't get much better than this.


Notable moments/quotes:
"Suck wall!" -Our hero, slamming a street thug into a handy brick wall

"Who the hell are you? FBI, CIA, Salvation Army?" -Mr. Williams, to Diabeetus

"You're going to be the Ninth Commandment... thou shalt not get away with it!" -Williams' handler

Early in the movie, Remo is told to go into a building and assassinate the person inside. As a part of a bone-headed test, the man inside is Chiun, who absolutely wipes the floor with Remo. He dodges eight bullets in a row and so thoroughly and casually humiliates Remo I was expecting slide whistles and other cheesy slapstick noises.

Almost.

For reasons I can't recall, Remo and Kung-Fu Guy go to a carnival. Kung-Fu Guy, without even looking, wins one of those rigged ring games by landing every ring around a bottle. The next shot is the heroes heading home with an oversized Pink Panther doll.
"Lemember, I won it. It is mine." -Chiun.

After battling thugs atop the Statue of Liberty, Remo is outnumbered and must escape. He sprints across wet cement, easily eluding his pursuers. When the mook tries to follow, he takes one step in and sinks, presumably perishing there, since the last shot of him shows a few air bubbles coming up to the surface... but nobody following.

Remo, battling very persistent guard dogs: "So you're not your average sons of bitches."

While bluffing and sneaking his way onto a military base, Remo and his obligatory love interest become trapped in a gas chamber. For some reason, the corporate goon watching them dons a gas mask and goes in himself, which allows Remo to use said goon's diamond teeth to cut a hole in the shatterproof glass and running dive through it, shattering it perfectly.

looks like we're gonna have to jump

After Remo runs off to fight the bad guy alone, the love interest starts yammering away to Ramuh, who is having none of her shit. He knocks her out with a pressure point, then remarks "Resson 24: bressed sirence."

In the climatic battle, the movie comes full circle by having Remo dodge bullets just like the old guy. After knocking him out, Remo picks up a random branch, rubs it between his fingers a few times until it lights on fire, then uses it to blow up a car. And then he, you guessed it, slowly walks away from the explosion.

holy crap I actually used a still from the movie!

My thoughts: This movie is a ton of fun. It's been a while since I saw some high-grade 80s cheese. I am actually saddened that no sequel to this was ever made; this could have given the Bond movies a run for its money, I think. I'm reminded a bit of the newer Bond films that focus less on gadget-driven spectacle and are more about human-focused action. A series of movies like Remo could have given us (and by us I mean people alive in the 80s... that was a bit before my time) a cheesy yet viable alternative for big-name spy action. This one's a blast if you can get past how racist the one (awesome) Asian character is.

I give this movie a Nic Cage Writes Fanfiction And Talks To Himself out of five. Til next time.