Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex sits through an uncomfortable borderline-porn that seemed to think way more people would be into sexy werewolves than actually were.

As usual, furries don't count

Overview: A Montana sheriff, Ben, is mourning his sister, Karen, who was killed in a bizarre incident while working as a TV news anchorwoman. His sort-of girlfriend (it's not really clear), who is also a reporter, has taken an interest in Karen's death as part of incidents involving "wild dogs" (emphasis most definitely mine). A well-dressed man informs the duo after the funeral that Karen was a werewolf after showing them "the lost tape" from her last broadcast (where she transforms on the air by putting on an ape mask and gets killed), and this of course inspires them to fight against a sexy werewolf army.

...That's never going to get any less creepy to type.

The well-dressed man, Stefan, is some kind of legendary paranormal investigator/werewolf slayer, and together with the two main characters who don't have any personality, travel to Translyvania to fight some kind of werewolf queen who is up to... something something end of the world. After some business, fights happen and blah blah blah. The real joy to be had is in the poor acting and awkward directorial decisions. So...

Notable moments/quotes: Sheriff guy: "What'd [Stefan] say?"
Reporter chick, quickly title dropping: "He said your sister... is a werewolf."

Early in the movie, a biker gang gets wiped out by a random werewolf. After the first one gets eaten by a disembodied mouth because the movie can't actually afford monster effects, they scatter to different corners of a parking garage in terror. Apparently werewolves can teleport, because within the space of about a minute, all the bikers at different ends of the building get their turn being eaten by what I'm sure would be a masterful effect... if made by middle school students... in the 70s.

what the movie insists werewolves look like when not standing around in S&M gear

Exposition mouthpiece: "Why don't you just go back to your sheriff's office in Montana and let me do my job?"

Ben: "How can you believe this bullshit?"
Stefan: "It's bull-true."

Discount Rupert Giles, describing a plot to turn everyone into werewolves: "A reversal of evolution. Man becoming beast."

This movie is also filled with about five songs' worth of gloriously cheesy 80s music, played almost constantly. There's even a small music video for the main theme, which the movie cuts back to for no reason at completely inopportune times. Like "those 'werewolves' above are doing it in a scene that not even furries could find sexy" inopportune, although my growing mental trauma was glad for the momentary reprieve before my screams renewed.

Head werewolf villain lady: "Bring our new daughter."
Her henchman/consort/hobo brings in a pretty young black girl, who apparently is considered the "daughter." The hobowolf strips her, rubs her tits without saying a word, and commences the bangin'. The head of the operation watches with a smile on her face, then rips off her spandex top. After a few minutes of contemplating how her career was now dead (as if previously being in Battle Beyond the Stars wasn't bad enough), she joins in with her man and her daughter to make it a three-way right out of the nightmares that would eventually take electronic form and become FurAffinity.

not responsible for mental scars resulting from any readers' further research on furries

When Ben and the reporter check into a hotel, they are given the completely inconspicuous Room 666 for their lodgings. This is particularly egregious because the script has a character call out that the hotel doesn't even have six floors. The front desk clerk answers with an evil laugh that goes on for an uncomfortably long time.

At one point, Ben and a gun-toting ally given literally no lines decide to storm the werewolf den themselves without waiting for backup from Stefan. How do they find out where it is when Ben and co. just arrived in town a few days ago? Someone might now, but the movie sure as hell doesn't, as no effort to explain this is made.

Translyvanian rapist: "I vant to make laff to you."

Once the final battle starts, a priest who has been helping our heroes charges in to bring the wrath of the Lord down on these abominations' heads. All he gets for his trouble is getting literally mouth-raped to death by an imp.

Right at the end of the movie, the werewolf queen (stated previously to be the werewolf equivalent of Dracula who has lived for 10,000 years) uses some dark magic on Stefan, attempting to seduce him while also mentioning they're siblings. Yeah. This is just Ben & Arthur all over again.

"You see, Ben and Stefan's sisters are both werewolves. Our title is clever."

My thoughts: I'm pretty sure* this movie was originally shot as a sexy vampire flick, as the werewolves spend very little time transformed, wear tight latex outfits, hang out mostly in Transylvania, and only seem to be active at night. All we'd need would be a few bloodsucking scenes and this could be passed off as a vampire movie. However, at the last minute they decided to make it the sequel nobody asked for to the original that nobody saw.

There's also a lot of sex that happens for no apparent reason. The werewolves can (sadly and disturbingly) get away with it, since they're evil and evil gets to be sexy even if the sexy is fucked-up. However, Ben and whatshername also hook up while battling evil for no real reason, and even some of the death shots have weird sexual imagery associated with them (see "priest mouth-raped to death," above). I'm no prude, but when so much of the eye candy might be literally inclined to hump my leg, I'm left a little creeped out. It doesn't help that the over-the-credits reel lovingly shows its main villain ripping off her top to show off the girls a staggering 18 times.

The usual B movie hallmarks are here: bad direction, wooden acting, and more plot holes than the average fanfiction. Really, the only actor who looks to be having any fun is, as usual, the bad guy.

Sybil Danning gives a relatively solid performance as the werewolf queen Stirba and hams it up to just the appropriate degree.

as opposed to seeing the line and sprinting past it

On the whole, this film is just weird enough that it stands out a bit, but there's better 80s cheese out there for fans of "so bad, it's good." If you're into creature features, I imagine this would work much better, but I've never been much of a fan. I have the Internet to horrify and scar me far better than any movie ever could.

I give this movie a Nic Cage Portrays an Entirely Average Priest out of five.

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*Without doing a damn bit of research, because if you come to this blog for well-sourced opinions you are the fool