Warcraft (2016)

It's bad.

Zero interest.

Fantastic Four (2005)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches one of the many movies that Marvel hopes you've forgotten. Seriously, for all the good movies these guys put out these days, there are scores more in their history to rag on. I may have to do a Marvel month one of these days... but that's neither here nor there. Here is Fantastic Four.

in all its glory and all its horror

Overview: Dr. Reed Richards has a theory about cosmic radiation triggering increased evolution, and shock shock such a storm is about to hit the Urf! Out of options, he asks for funding from everyone's best pal, Victor Von Doom, to study the phenomenon.

introduced looking like this

Things inevitably go wrong, and everybody gets superpowers. Reed gets the ability to stretch, his pal Ben becomes a superstrong golem, love interest Sue gets invisibility/force field powers, and her jackass brother Johnny gets the power to be made of fire when he feels like it.

Outcast (2014)

Hayden Christensen and Nicolas Cage: an unexpected, but delicious pairing, much like vanilla and ham. Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches what should have been two "great" ice cream flavors tasting great together get soured by too much soy sauce. (Note to self: stop blogging while hungry.)

To quote my notes, "dis gon b gud"

Overview: In a movie should have been impossible to fuck up, Jacob (Hayden "Sandy Anakin" Christensen) and Gallain (Our Lord and Savior Nicolas Cage) are two knights in the Crusades. Gallain has seen this shit before and knows the Crusades aren't godly; meanwhile, Jacob, the younger and more idealistic one, just wants to smite some heretic Muslims. After following them carve their way past some Moors who are portrayed with the appropriate amount of sympathy because 2014, the movie jumps to "CHINA. THREE YEARS LATER."

Guest Roulette: Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1

(Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex lets somebody else try this shit for a change. My buddy and fellow movie enthusiast Jacob tackles yet another goddamn Batman movie below.)

Think Batman vs. Superman just jumped out of the comics for our viewing pleasure? Think again. DC has been at this game before. Which time are we going to explore today? The 2012 animated movie Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1.

Maximum Conviction (2012)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie co-starring Steven Seagall and Steve Austin. Gods help me.

Any Jewish readers should beware all the ham to follow

Overview: Two ex-soldiers defend, then attack a high-security prison. Steven Seagal tries to be cool and fails, since he can't match his masterpiece and Austin is... well, he's alright. The plot revolves around two women considered high-value prisoners by the CIA held while the facility is being decommissioned and blah blah blah GUNFIGHTS!

Underworld (2003)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex ventures  back to the dark days when he was an angsty teen and the worst shit was cool. Including this garbage. This is Underworld.

yes, she is unironically posing moodily with a trenchcoat. The early 00s were a strange time.

Overview: Selene is a Death Dealer, a vampire dedicated to seeking out and destroying the sworn enemies of her kind: werewolves, called Lycans. A mission brings her into contact with a perfectly ordinary human named Michael, save for his unique condition: he was born without a personality. Can love bloom, even on the battlefield as Michael as kidknapped by werewolves and Selene has to bust out her Distressed Dude?

The Ridiculous 6 (2015)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches Adam Sandler desperately try to stay relevant.

Netflix, what have you done?

Overview: Tommy "White Knife" is a badass warrior raised by Apaches. All is well in his life, as he's about to marry his Apache girlfriend Smoking Fox (seriously), but then complications arise! His father, an affable former bandit, arrives seeking to patch things up with his son and give him the small fortune he's tucked away to make amends for his life a crime. The dad's former gang spirits him away, and with help from a quote-unquote "zany" cast of characters who all happen to be his half-brothers, Tommy sets off to get their dad back.