Smosh: the Movie (2015)

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a series of cameos strung together with a sixth grade script try to pass itself off as one of these things called a "movie."

BOY HOWDY, THEM'S FROM THE YEW TUBS! HOW QUIRKY!

Overview: A couple of guys who have inexplicably found massive success on YouTube try to put on the big boy pants and make an actual movie. It fails.

Ratatoing (2007)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex has traumatic flashbacks to the likes of Foodfight!

The horror. The horror.

Before I begin, it is my sad duty to inform you that this movie has been uploaded to YouTube by its creators. You can suffer along with me for free!

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the one of biggest modern examples of cinematic hubris crash and burn.

rip Square Pictures

Overview: The year is 2065. Semi-corporeal aliens called "Phantoms" have been invading Earth for 34 years, and most of the planet lies barren and lifeless. Humanity survives in shielded cities, made possible through the brilliance of Dr. Sid.

Hackers (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches The Net, if it was run through eight different filters of the kind of RADICAL that so thoroughly infected the mid-90s. Let's pretend that high schoolers can topple massive conspiracies because they know how to use computers. That's a thing, right?

You wouldn't get it, gramps. Now let's do some sweet kickflips on our skateboards

Overview: Dade Murphy, AKA "Zero Cool", is a young genius who, when he was around 12, crashed over 5,000 computers and, by court order, was forbidden to use a computer or touch-tone phone until he turns 18. Well, he's turned 18, and he's ready to tear things up again.

That's the face of smoldering rage.

The Runner (2015)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches Nicolas Cage's dick lead him to ruin.

No, seriously. That's the entire movie.

Overview: The Great One plays Colin Pryce, an idealistic Louisiana Representative who skyrockets to national attention through his passionate efforts to protect his home state from a Gulf oil spill. Complications occur when the press discovers he's cheating on his wife.

Robot Monster (1953)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex desperately wishes for an hour of his life back.

Yeah, because I was REALLY expecting quality from this, right?

Overview: Our tale begins with Johnny, an all-American youngster who loves science and loves to play space cops. Or something. He's out for a picnic with his annoying little sister, older sister, and mom, when suddenly the setting shifts to a post-apocalyptic world where the fearsome Ro-man has wiped out all other human life, and Johnny and co. are only alive thanks to SCIENCE!

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (2005)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex cartwheels from talking about a movie that was basically softcore porn to a Lifetime original movie about the dangers of porn addiction. Am I going to have way too much fun with this?

You bet yer ass.

Also there's a trailer I guess.

Overview: Justin Petersen is your average, somewhat awkward teenage boy, but all in all he has a decent life. He kicks ass and takes names when it comes to swim meets, he's got a cute girlfriend named Amy, and he's at least respected by most of his classmates. But then came the evils of PORRRRRRN!

Who am I to argue with Google?

009-1: The End of the Beginning (2013)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the strangest softcore porn/spy thriller he's ever seen.

Yes, it's another weird film from our friends in Japan.

Overview: 009-1 is a sexy cyborg agent for the Western Bloc in a future where Japan is cut in half and at war with itself. This femme fatale superspy is tasked to rescue one of the West's foremost scientists by the name of Dr. Klein. Along the way, she finds out more of her conveniently amnesia'ed past.

Waterworld (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex finds the movie supplying a perfect visual summary of itself within its first two minutes.

The jar represents you, the viewer, and the piss represents... well, you get it.

Occasionally, I need an easy target.

Overview: Shitty writing ruins what could have been a fascinating world.

Larry Gaye: Renegade Male Flight Attendant (2015)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex takes in the story of the most punchable face in the history of cinema.

that face begs for a fist

Overview: Larry Gaye is a legend in the airline business, having won the apparently prestigious "Golden Coffee Pot" award five years running. He does the flight attendant thing well, bangs all the ladies, and refuses to settle down. But what's this? Shadowy execs are trying to cut costs by introducing sophisticated, sexy robots to replace flight attendants! Le gasp! Only a Gaye man can stop these sinister she-bots!

heh heh, couldn't resist, there

Vampire's Kiss (1988)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex revisits a true masterpiece.

yesssssss.

Overview: Peter Lowe is a fucking crazy person who begins to think he's a vampire after a fling with a seductive lady who may or may not be a vampire and may or may not exist. Meanwhile, Lowe is the worst boss ever to an employee. Cage picks the dumbest accent ever to supposedly honor his father. He also rapes somebody.

"You know how it is."

Sucker Punch (2011)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie he wants very much to like.

the movie has other ideas

Overview: A variety of young women are, for one reason or another, dumped into a mental hospital that apparently also doubles are some kind of cabaret/theater. They're treated poorly by everyone, and one young girl who we only know as "Babydoll" concocts a daring plan to escape.

A Deadly Adoption (2015)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex reminds himself why he does what he does by watching a hidden gem.

Don't worry, it's still a bad movie.

Overview: Robert is a successful, albeit reclusive, financial guru who writes best-selling books and lives happily with his organic farmer wife, Sara, and their diabetic daughter, Sully.

Then disaster strikes.

Leprechaun Retrospective, Finale and Leprechaun: Origins (2014)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie that he forgets ten minutes after watching.

the "WWE Superstar" should be your first warning

Overview: Four American college kids take a trip out to the boonies of Ireland, where the Leprechaun kills almost all of them.

Leprechaun Retrospective, part 6: Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood (2003)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex finds insult added to injury.

why?

Overview: The movie opens with a neat little animation sequence telling us yet another backstory for the Leprechaun, stating he was one of many of the wee folk who were summoned by a rich king as guardians against evil. However, only our Leprechaun remained and became evil. Take a guess how relevant this is to the movie. The answer is after the break!

Leprechaun Retrospective, Part 5: Leprechaun in the Hood (2000)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex sheds a single tear as sad music plays in the background. He then decides that this movie is about to have a bad time.

what the fuck happened?!

Overview: A group of people take one of the most delightfully silly franchises in the history of film, carefully discard anything that made the previous movies fun, and shit edge all over it.

Leprechaun Retrospective, Part 4: Leprechaun 4: In SPACE (1996)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex rewatches one of the most exquisitely terrible movies in existence and exults in every frame.

yessssssss

Overview: The Leprechaun, somehow in space, has kidnapped a beautiful princess, hoping to marry her and get the respect he deserves. Meanwhile, a squad of space marines try to hunt him down. Take a guess how that works out for most of them.

not well

A Leprechaun Retrospective: Part 3: Leprechaun 3 (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the tale of an unlikely hero come to an abrupt end. He then starts cheering for the villain.

it's not easy being green, after all

Overview: The Leprechaun, somehow turned to stone through the power of a medallion, gets sold to a Las Vegas pawn shop. He then comes alive and starts killing people again. An unassuming bystander is almost turned into a leprechaun, and everyone starts using leprechaun magic through previously unexplained "if you have a gold coin, you get a wish" powers.

A Leprechaun Retrospective: Part 2: Leprechaun 2 (1994)

Next up in my tour of this inexplicable series about a killer leprechaun is a movie that, through the power of a bigger budget, has more powers and more dickery for its titular character to do. Is it a step up from the original? ...Honestly, with this series, it's hard to tell.

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex sees a vision of himself in 40 years, maybe.

not the leprechaun, thank the gods

Overview: The leprechaun, somehow fine after being exploded and buried alive in the last movie, is suddenly in L.A. This time, he's cruisin' for a bride on his 2,000th birthday. On St. Patrick's Day. Yes, this movie goes into the backstory of the leprechaun, and it's about as hackneyed as one might expect: evil creature uses sneeze-related magic to get bride, creature's human slave tricks creature, creature swears revenge on slave's line, blah blah blah. (More after the break)

pimpin ain't easy

A Leprechaun Retrospective: Introduction and Leprechaun (1993)

Welcome to part one of a seven-part retrospective about a movie series about a serial killer leprechaun. I've wanted to do this for a while, and since it's now October, what better time to get into some of the cheesiest B movie "horror" films I know? I'll be mucking about with the format just a bit, but never you fear, this is going to still be Movie Russian Roulette. Just maybe with more depth than usual. Or not. This is still my haphazard style, after all.

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches Jennifer Aniston suffer for a paycheck before she got famous. As usual, the trailer is lulzy.

actors gotta eat, man

Overview: Tory, your typical self-obsessed girl from Los Angeles, is in the Dakotas for the summer with her dad. As so often happens in the north, ancient magic unleashes a killer leprechaun on her and her friends, and only the power of a four-leaf clover can kill this unstoppable terror. (More after the break.)

He can smell your fear

Overkill (1987)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the wrong movie.

whoops

So, today I had actually intended to watch Overkill, a 90s movie starring Chuck Norris' ill-fated brother Aaron Norris. What could be better than watching a man try and fail to live up to his brother's B-movie stardom, I figured? However, due to my own carelessness and a misleading Netflix description, I ended up watching Overkill, an 80s movie starring nobody you've ever heard of. It ended up being blog-worthy material anyway, so I'm rolling with it.

Overview: Mickey Delaney is a no-nonsense L.A. cop who's convinced the Yakuza are out to take over the West Coast. He doesn't play by the rules, but he always gets his man. He teams up with a Tokyo cop visiting the U.S. after family tragedy to bring the fight to the Yakuza's doorstep. No jurisdiction, no warrants, no authority, no fucks given. That's Delaney's style.

no uniforms either

In case you haven't caught on, this is the quintessential 80s American action film: a rogue cop out for justice who doesn't care how many he buries to do the right thing. More after the break!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex witnesses a rape.

of childhoods

Overview: Desperate to steal more ideas from the past (never mind that this was done not that long ago), Hollywood returns to the story of the radical four turtles who fight a samurai guy. Meanwhile, a benevolent businessman hatches a sinister scheme. This time Michael Bay has a hand in things, so there are explosions! (More after the break.)

Lake Placid (1999)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, a movie is rescued from its incompetency by its stupidity. Come take a dip in Lake Placid.

or don't

Overview: A mysterious creature kills a man at the local lake (which, by the by, is not even named Lake Placid). A tooth is recovered which appears prehistoric, so the local sheriff and the Game & Parks officer get the help of a New York paleontologist to identify the beast.

Theodore Rex (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie starring Whoopi Goldberg as a no-nonsense cop who teams up with a talking dinosaur to solve a murder and save the world. It's every bit as bad as it sounds.

god I wish I was making this up

Overview: In the world of "the grid," Whoopi Goldberg is a tough cyborg cop named Katie Coletrain who doesn't play by the rules. When another dinosaur (which are around due to genetic engineering thanks to the bad guy) is killed, desk officer Theodore Rex teams up with Coletrain to solve the case. What follows made me reacquaint myself with my old friend day drinking.

[More after the break.]

Devil (2010)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex finally takes on a movie made by one of the most infamous hacks working in Hollywood today. Hold on to your twists... this is Devil.

how this managed 52% on rotten tomatoes I'll never know

Overview: Five strangers in a modern-day Philadelphia office building take an elevator, get trapped, and then get killed off one by one by someone who may or may not be the devil. Can a cynical Detective Bowden, who's still reeling from losing his family to an unsolved hit and run, unravel the mystery? (Hint: he should check the title of the fucking movie.) More after the break!

Ghost Lake (2004)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a zombie movie that is simultaneously an argument against the existence of zombie movies and a primer on how not to make a movie.

whoever said the quote evidently only saw one horror movie that year

Overview: Becky Haster is a young woman who's been through a lot lately. After taking care of her aging parents for several years, they die to a gas leak the one night she goes out. In her grief, she retires to her parents' lake cabin to get away from it all. Suddenly, murders, a whirlwind romance, and zombies ensue.

I don't, I don't!

A Humble Request

Heya folks, your friendly rage blogger here. Yesterday, I was laid off from my day job. I've known this was coming for about two months now, and despite my best efforts, I haven't been able to find other employment.

It's never been easy for me to ask for help, but if I could somehow make this blog my job (or at least give me a little money to get by), that would be a dream come true. I never have, nor will I ever, put ads on this blog, because I've always hated ads.

In any case, if you need to take care of yourself, by all means see to your own needs first. I'll survive. But if you like what I'm doing here and can spare a buck or two, I'd be eternally grateful. I'm using a website called Patreon that uses a simple system where people can pledge to give X dollars per month, and nothing is charged until the end of the month. A few of my friends have used it, and I used it in more prosperous times to support a few internet folk whose creative works enriched my life. If you think I'm worth the support, I'd love ya forever (and give you some sweet rewards... see the page for details) if you can chip a little my way. I'll keep doing what I'm doing regardless, because I like doing this, but I have a mercenary soul. Money's a motivator, since ramen and my rent aren't free, sadly.

The Patreon page is here!

Foodfight! (2012)

Once I was about two-thirds of the way through this movie, I started drinking vodka straight from the bottle and my notes after that contain nothing but "KILL ME" written over and over in an unsteady hand.

This is Foodfight!

abandon all hope, ye who enter here

Elektra (2005)

Come, young ones. Journey back to a time of great darkness for our world. A time when George W. Bush was somehow beginning his second term as president of the United States. A time when the world was shocked by a major American city which sat at a low elevation near the ocean getting annihilated by a hurricane. (Totally unexpected.) A time when the word "Marvel" meant not fun action movies, but rather, horrible schlock likes of which most of us would rather forget. The year is 2005. The movie? Elektra.

on the plus side, Garner looked pretty hot

Overview: Elektra is a legendary assassin, considered an urban myth by some. She takes no shit from anybody (except maybe her agent), and is one of those superheroes without any real powers beyond "fights good."

Schoolgirl Hitchhikers (1973)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex gets his exploitation movie groove on with a 70s tale of ambiguously bisexual... you guessed it... schoolgirl hitchhikers. I swear I'm not seeking out these movies.

Yeah, this is another kind-of porn movie.

Overview: Our movie opens with our two heroines, Monica and Jackie, on vacation from... school, I guess... wandering around the countryside and camping. They come across an abandoned house and break in, have sex on top of the covers of a bed, have sex with a random man, and then become entangled in a criminal conspiracy.

Dhoom: 3 (2013)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex takes a look at how Bollywood makes their big-budget action movies. He is simultaneously impressed and horrified. This is Dhoom: 3. And its trailer is almost better than the movie.

Not to be confused with Doom.

Overview: The third installment of what is apparently a big blockbuster series on the subcontinent, Dhoom: 3 takes viewers to the gritty streets of Chicago, where the son of a circus-running immigrant is bent on having his revenge on the "corrupt" (more on that later) bank that forced his father into suicide. Action scenes ensue.

God's Not Dead (2014)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex gets angrier about a movie than he's ever gotten in his entire life. This is God's Not Dead.

believing is good, right?

I'm bringing a lot of baggage and personal bias into this one. I'm not going into this intending to trash religion, but goddamn if this movie doesn't make it tempting and easy.

Overview: A college freshman takes an intro-level Philosophy course form the infamous Professor Radisson, an atheist, who opens the first session of class by requesting everyone sign a statement stating God is dead in order to move on to more important issues.

Kung Fury (2015)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex bears witness to the birth of a legend. Behold, the pinnacle of human achievement. Behold... Kung Fury.

so 80s it had to be made 30 years later

Overview: Kung Fury is a kung-fu cop in 1985 Miami who travels back in time to kill Adolf Hitler.  Along the way, he takes a swing through the Viking Age and teams up with Thor. Danger 5 wished it was this insane.

"The greatest criminal of all time."

And you can watch it for free thanks to the generosity of its creators, who know that their gospel must be viewed the world around. Seriously. Watch this movie right now. Did I mention that David Hasselhoff recorded a theme song for this that is the second greatest thing mankind has produced?

Kill 'Em All (2012)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie with a title too badass for this world.

sadly not from the director of Bangcock Andrenaline

Overview: A group of assassins wake up after successful hits in the "Killing Chamber," where a voice on a speaker tells them they must fight to the death in a martial arts tournament to win their freedom. Many fight scenes ensue.

Lady Ninja Kaede 2 (2009)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches porn! (While the movie is definitely not safe for work or young minds, I've tried to keep the review as clean as my usual stuff, but unfunny prudes who think seventh grade health class went too far by saying the names of bit of human anatomy might not want to go any further.)There are many punchlines.

but no bondage D:

Overview: Kaede (who we're introduced to as the camera freezes on her cleavage while the movie's alternate title, Kaede: the Darkness of Cyber Dick, gets lovingly displayed) is a member of a ninja girl vice squad fighting against public indecency and sex crimes in feudal Japan.To accomplish this, she of course wears a pink miniskirt and a low-cut pink top as she proclaims how much she hates bangin'.

Things (1989)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the strangest goddamned thing he's ever seen.

"My name is not Inigo Montoya. You didn't kill my father. Prepare to live."

Overview: The movie opens with a man talking with a woman in a demon mask. He asks her to bear a child for him, as he and his wife haven't been able to. She strips silently, then goes to take a shower. When the man insists she doesn't need to freshen up, she states she's already borne his child and hands over a cradle. The man oohs and ahhs, but then the baby is a monster who attacks him. The man then wakes up from this dream that the movie spent the first ten minutes on. The significance of this is never really explained.

Empty Chamber #2

Well friends, it's that time again: Alex watched a few movies that he had a few things to say about, but for one reason or another weren't worthy of a full blog post. Up this time are Dead Heat, The Black Gestapo, Heavenly Sword, The Way of the Dragon (aka Return of the Dragon), and Mantera.

Strippers vs. Werewolves (2012)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex finally gets fed up with "bad on purpose" modern films.

the Breast Council would like to remind you that breasts exist

Overview: This movie's trailer would have you believe this is a sexy, action-packed film where gun-toting strippers fight "werewolves" who just gain gross sideburns when they transform. Well, only about half of that is true.

The Net (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex takes a journey back to the days when AOL was king and that dial-up noise would soothe the soul. This is The Net. And it has a perfectly cheesy trailer.

Overview: The movie opens with the U.S. Undersecretary of Defense receiving distressing news and having his driver take him about town to clear his head. After calling his wife and kid on his giant 90s cell phone and apologizing for having to work late, the man calmly loads a revolver and kills himself in a park. The significance of this is left unexplained for about 80 minutes (and is ultimately kind of inconsequential for something the movie spends so much time setting up).

Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex sits through an uncomfortable borderline-porn that seemed to think way more people would be into sexy werewolves than actually were.

As usual, furries don't count

Overview: A Montana sheriff, Ben, is mourning his sister, Karen, who was killed in a bizarre incident while working as a TV news anchorwoman. His sort-of girlfriend (it's not really clear), who is also a reporter, has taken an interest in Karen's death as part of incidents involving "wild dogs" (emphasis most definitely mine). A well-dressed man informs the duo after the funeral that Karen was a werewolf after showing them "the lost tape" from her last broadcast (where she transforms on the air by putting on an ape mask and gets killed), and this of course inspires them to fight against a sexy werewolf army.

...That's never going to get any less creepy to type.

Pompeii (2014)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex gets to renew his vows of loathing towards Jon Snow.

fuck you and your vacant emo boy stare

Overview: Kit Harington of Game of Thrones fame stars as Milo, a vacant-eyed, mostly emotionless warrior. So he's really stretching his acting muscles on this one. Now I guess I know how normal people feel when I gush about my completely normal, debilitating mancrush on Benedict Cumberbatch and won't shut up about Sherlock.

but really who wouldn't be his Cumberbitch