Lady Ninja Kaede 2 (2009)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches porn! (While the movie is definitely not safe for work or young minds, I've tried to keep the review as clean as my usual stuff, but unfunny prudes who think seventh grade health class went too far by saying the names of bit of human anatomy might not want to go any further.)There are many punchlines.

but no bondage D:

Overview: Kaede (who we're introduced to as the camera freezes on her cleavage while the movie's alternate title, Kaede: the Darkness of Cyber Dick, gets lovingly displayed) is a member of a ninja girl vice squad fighting against public indecency and sex crimes in feudal Japan.To accomplish this, she of course wears a pink miniskirt and a low-cut pink top as she proclaims how much she hates bangin'.

After returning from a mission, her nun boss who wears an outfit that is completely see-through sends her to take down a sex cult, the Tougen, that are causing arousing trouble by... throwing orgies. Or something. It's never made clear. Kaede fails... off-screen... in the span of about a half-minute. Worst ninja ever? Worst ninja ever.

Because this is allegedly a porn flick, Kaede comes back with a lust curse placed on her, and the movie gets a lot of cringe-worthy "comedy" from her constantly... satisfying herself... in public. Kaede is quickly paired up with a gay samurai to fix her curse by taking a cursed dildo (seriously) and using it to have sex with the three men who sacrificed their dicks to create said dildo, leaving miniature black holes behind (seriously).

A brief sex tour of Japan happens, Kaede is completely ineffectual, and the forces of prudishness win the day by being really lewd. But hey, nobody's going to watch this crap for the plot, right?

Notable quotes/moments: The main bad guy, who looks like Amon from The Legend of Korra for some reason, has just used dark magic to summon a dildo from a cauldron. "It has been completed. It is a dildo."

The bad guys actually have the one of the best plans I've ever seen to secure funding to further their schemes of sexual and political revolution. They sell medieval Japanese porn. (Seriously.)

When Kaede first meets the gay samurai whose name escapes me, she's err... got her hand on the... button. Something causes her to fling up said hand in surprise, getting some... oh to hell with the euphemisms. The samurai gets vagina juices all over his cheek. His reaction is to slowly wipe it across his face while conveying no emotion whatsoever.

Whenever the bad guys need to send minions to stop Kaede, the faithful assemble before their Palpatine-esque leader and raise their bare asses in the air. Like a gay Tuxedo Mask, their leader chooses the lucky warriors by throwing roses up their assholes.

After Kaede's first gratuitous sex scene that isn't remotely sexy, dramatic music swells as the first man sobs over the loss of his manhood, as the ghost of his dick ascends into the sky, released from the bonds of the cursed dildo.

Gay Samurai: "He lost his penis and got his self back. What he does from here is up to him."

Kaede, to Samurai Fabulous: "All the good guys these days are gay!"

At one point, dramatic music swells as the camera zooms in for a close-up of a man's nipple. The significance of this is never really explained.

Not-Amon's mask is very obviously made of plastic of the quality one might find in a two-cent plastic plate.

The gay samurai is the third man who sacrificed his dick for the cursed dildo, leaving only a tiny black hole. It's meant to be a TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST but ends up having no real impact, since the guy has no personality beyond "He's gay and good with swords HURR HURR SEE WHAT WE DID THAR." So, literally a third of Kaede's quest is solved for her. After some awkward "neither of us are into this HAVE I MENTIONED MY HOMOSEXUALITY TODAY" bangin'.

 
During one fight scene, the Masked Pervert has trouble with his costume, almost tripping over himself. This movie leaves it in, because of course it does.

The antagonist's last words: "Love, huh? What a complicated mystery..." He then explodes. The significance or logic of this is never really explained.

And after all this, Kaede doesn't manage to fix her lust curse. She shrugs, says it's maybe better this way, but clarifies "I still hate sex!" as the constant SCHLICKing noise from her playing with herself ends the movie.

My thoughts: Well, first of all, yes this is porn. So there are quite a few pointless sex scenes, and pretty much none of them are of any quality. Some of the tits are alright, but that's all you're gonna get. Evil dildo aside, the action here is actually pretty tame and vanilla... so sorry, bondage fans, but the movie cover up there is lying to you. Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that this movie wanted to be more than porn and be a movie in its own right, since some effort was put into the story. Not much, but some.

A lot of things about this movie move me deeply, and not on an erotic level. (As I mentioned, this stuff's kinda lame on that front.) First of all, the movie (at least when I watched it on Netflix... yes, Netflix put ninja porn up as of press time) tends to slow down to about 10 frames per second thanks to the borderline smartphone camera quality when two people are walking. Which is most of the time, since Kaede and Mr. Disposable Douche need to pretend to be walking all over Japan as our heroine harps at him for being unfun, emotionless, and void of all personality. These were the only times I was rooting for her, because she was taking the words right out of my mouth. But clearly his stoicism just shows how badass he is, right?

The action scenes are as badly shot as the static scenes, with poor speed effects trying to cover how absolutely none of the actors have any appreciable stage combat, weapon, or choreography training. (See "Amon almost trips over his goddamned costume," above). The fights focus on sword clashes and quick, brutal victories, probably to cut down on film spent on things that aren't tittehs. However, this leads right into another compliant. Kaede is supposed to be a badass ninja, a one-woman army who literally specializes in taking down perverts and Japanese sex offenders, but every time she has to fight, she gets her ass kicked! Sure, I could be charitable and give this a pass due to Kaede's horniness curse distracting her, but when am I ever fair to a movie on this blog?

well played

OKAY FINE

I DON'T HATE EVERYTHING EVER SHALL WE MOVE ON

Ahem. Much of the heavy lifting in combat is done by the Anal Slammin' Samurai, who out of the cast has by far the best grasp of stage combat and the like, though that's not saying much. If not him, then some other man. Case in point, at the end of the movie, Kaede is alone with the main villain. She's pissed. She's ready for revenge because she just got blueladyballed from turning a guy straight. She... lets two men who were of no real consequence for the entire movie step in out of nowhere and fight for her. Much as it's probably a waste of time to fight for GIRL POWER in a PORN FLICK built around the main character being humiliated by her FEMALE WEAKNESS, I do WORTHWHILE THINGS with my time like watch SHITTY MOVIES and COMPLAIN, damn it.

I'm so original

But seriously. Kaede falls flat as a character (though thankfully her chest does not hurr hurr hee). The movie seems to want to make us care about her, despite this being a smut film, but when push comes to shove, none of her supposed character traits are borne out by her actions. She hates sex, yet bangs the whole film (though that is due to magic); she's a ninja, yet fails every time she tries ninjitsu or fighting; and she's supposed to be a serious and calm individual, yet whines like a runner-up prom queen about how her would-be boy toy doesn't like her just 'cause she lacks a peeeeenis. It gets annoying, to say the least. I, for one, demand more from my porn that's kind of pretending to be a real movie and about things! Surely there must be a way to balance arousal development and character development! But then again, if that were the case, I would have spent a weekday night alone watching porn for no purpose, as I couldn't have even written over a thousand words about the experience to share with the internet because it would have been too good to share!

is this my life

Personally, I think a good first step would have been actually including a character named Cyber Dick. That can only class up any movie. Next, have Kaede actually do things aside from lonely hobos they pulled off the streets of Tokyo for five minutes and given vaguely period clothing. Finally, the cursed dildo should have been used by the gay samurai as a weapon. Just in case anyone missed he was gay. The movie's "once every five minutes" reminders clearly weren't enough.

In conclusion, this movie is a plenty pervy, weird, all around bizarre little shitty porn from our friends in the land of the rising... yes. The acting seems okay (might just be the language barrier), but the effects are awful and the plot is nothing more than a flimsy excuse for some good ol' fashioned having our ninja protagonist have sex with men she's never met against her will because of implied rape at the hands of a cult leader. Uh... what's not to love? it sounds so much worse written out like that come to think of it

I give this movie a Nicolas Cage Displays His Mastery of Seduction out of five. Facebook.