Pompeii (2014)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex gets to renew his vows of loathing towards Jon Snow.

fuck you and your vacant emo boy stare

Overview: Kit Harington of Game of Thrones fame stars as Milo, a vacant-eyed, mostly emotionless warrior. So he's really stretching his acting muscles on this one. Now I guess I know how normal people feel when I gush about my completely normal, debilitating mancrush on Benedict Cumberbatch and won't shut up about Sherlock.

but really who wouldn't be his Cumberbitch

Ben & Arthur (2002)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie that is like the unholy offspring of The Room and Birdemic: Shock and Terror.

Not unholy because it's gay; unholy because it's awful

Overview: Ben and Arthur are two happily together gay men who have pretty ordinary lives. Ben (the one in the cover shot) is a soulful nurse who really just wants to play his music. Arthur is unemployed, kind of ugly, and whiny. This is basically the gay version of that sitcom trope where the fat guy with the crappy job has an impossibly hot wife. These two fight cri- wait, no. I wish.

Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex goes back to his roots: cheesy 80s action flicks.

and never continues :(

Overview: Remo Williams is an ex-Marine turned cop who unwittingly fakes his own death. He is then recruited by a shadowy agency to be an assassin for the President, because of course he is. Racism and glorious 80s training montages ensue. When your movie states up-front that it's based on "The Destroyer" novel series, you know you're in for a helluva ride.

War of the Worlds: Goliath (2012)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a fanfiction movie.

if this shit won awards, i'm sober right now

Overview: Fifteen years after Welles' original War of the Worlds, humanity's only hope against another Martian invasion is a steampunk XCOM knockoff commanded by a random Russian and Teddy Roosevelt. In 1914. Yes, Cracked, I can hear you creaming yourself from here.

Message from Space (1978)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex realizes that Japan made crappy movies around the 80s as well.

SO FANTASTIC

Overview: Japan sees Star Wars and decides, "Hey we can do that too!" just like Star Crash in Italy. Except... it's Japan, so things get a little... weird. As in "magical nuts choose the heroes who will save an alien race." Longtime readers should know that, sadly, I'm not kidding.

Dragonfyre (2013)

I'm just going provide this thing's Netflix description: "A reluctant ex-solider is drawn into a war between orcs and dragons in order to save a beautiful princess on his remote ranch in the American West."

Go on. Say it aloud. Let it sink into your mind a bit. Done? Good.

Now, if you have any opinion other than "that's the best sentence I've heard since the Netflix description for the Chuck Norris magnum opus that is The Octagon," you are wrong.

Sadly there is only one dragon

Solarbabies (1986)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex has traumatic flashbacks to Tank Girl.

Spoiler: none of these people

Overview: The Goonies, but apocalyptic and bad.That's it, I'm done. Go home. No Cage for you this time.