Warcraft (2016)

It's bad.

Zero interest.

Fantastic Four (2005)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches one of the many movies that Marvel hopes you've forgotten. Seriously, for all the good movies these guys put out these days, there are scores more in their history to rag on. I may have to do a Marvel month one of these days... but that's neither here nor there. Here is Fantastic Four.

in all its glory and all its horror

Overview: Dr. Reed Richards has a theory about cosmic radiation triggering increased evolution, and shock shock such a storm is about to hit the Urf! Out of options, he asks for funding from everyone's best pal, Victor Von Doom, to study the phenomenon.

introduced looking like this

Things inevitably go wrong, and everybody gets superpowers. Reed gets the ability to stretch, his pal Ben becomes a superstrong golem, love interest Sue gets invisibility/force field powers, and her jackass brother Johnny gets the power to be made of fire when he feels like it.

Outcast (2014)

Hayden Christensen and Nicolas Cage: an unexpected, but delicious pairing, much like vanilla and ham. Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches what should have been two "great" ice cream flavors tasting great together get soured by too much soy sauce. (Note to self: stop blogging while hungry.)

To quote my notes, "dis gon b gud"

Overview: In a movie should have been impossible to fuck up, Jacob (Hayden "Sandy Anakin" Christensen) and Gallain (Our Lord and Savior Nicolas Cage) are two knights in the Crusades. Gallain has seen this shit before and knows the Crusades aren't godly; meanwhile, Jacob, the younger and more idealistic one, just wants to smite some heretic Muslims. After following them carve their way past some Moors who are portrayed with the appropriate amount of sympathy because 2014, the movie jumps to "CHINA. THREE YEARS LATER."

Guest Roulette: Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1

(Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex lets somebody else try this shit for a change. My buddy and fellow movie enthusiast Jacob tackles yet another goddamn Batman movie below.)

Think Batman vs. Superman just jumped out of the comics for our viewing pleasure? Think again. DC has been at this game before. Which time are we going to explore today? The 2012 animated movie Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1.

Maximum Conviction (2012)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie co-starring Steven Seagall and Steve Austin. Gods help me.

Any Jewish readers should beware all the ham to follow

Overview: Two ex-soldiers defend, then attack a high-security prison. Steven Seagal tries to be cool and fails, since he can't match his masterpiece and Austin is... well, he's alright. The plot revolves around two women considered high-value prisoners by the CIA held while the facility is being decommissioned and blah blah blah GUNFIGHTS!

Underworld (2003)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex ventures  back to the dark days when he was an angsty teen and the worst shit was cool. Including this garbage. This is Underworld.

yes, she is unironically posing moodily with a trenchcoat. The early 00s were a strange time.

Overview: Selene is a Death Dealer, a vampire dedicated to seeking out and destroying the sworn enemies of her kind: werewolves, called Lycans. A mission brings her into contact with a perfectly ordinary human named Michael, save for his unique condition: he was born without a personality. Can love bloom, even on the battlefield as Michael as kidknapped by werewolves and Selene has to bust out her Distressed Dude?

The Ridiculous 6 (2015)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches Adam Sandler desperately try to stay relevant.

Netflix, what have you done?

Overview: Tommy "White Knife" is a badass warrior raised by Apaches. All is well in his life, as he's about to marry his Apache girlfriend Smoking Fox (seriously), but then complications arise! His father, an affable former bandit, arrives seeking to patch things up with his son and give him the small fortune he's tucked away to make amends for his life a crime. The dad's former gang spirits him away, and with help from a quote-unquote "zany" cast of characters who all happen to be his half-brothers, Tommy sets off to get their dad back.

Over the Top (1987)

Fuck, how do I do this again? What is this about?

ah yes of course

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a movie from the 80s about arm wrestling. And evil old people. And being a trucker? This is "Why in God's Name Did Someone Let Sylvester Stallone Touch the Screenplay!"

aka Over the Top

Overview: Lincoln Hawk (often referred to as "Linc" for some reason) is a trucker who left his wife ten years ago because of reasons that aren't ever explained. He goes to pick his kid up from a weird military academy that accepts 8 year olds because of more reasons! They road trip and bond for like ten minutes and then it's an arm wrestling tournament for 50 minutes. ...Yeah.

Happy new year!

Sorry for the lack of updates lately; I just started a new job on top of holiday things happening. I'll get back to this as soon as I have everything balanced again!

Smosh: the Movie (2015)

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches a series of cameos strung together with a sixth grade script try to pass itself off as one of these things called a "movie."

BOY HOWDY, THEM'S FROM THE YEW TUBS! HOW QUIRKY!

Overview: A couple of guys who have inexplicably found massive success on YouTube try to put on the big boy pants and make an actual movie. It fails.

Ratatoing (2007)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex has traumatic flashbacks to the likes of Foodfight!

The horror. The horror.

Before I begin, it is my sad duty to inform you that this movie has been uploaded to YouTube by its creators. You can suffer along with me for free!

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the one of biggest modern examples of cinematic hubris crash and burn.

rip Square Pictures

Overview: The year is 2065. Semi-corporeal aliens called "Phantoms" have been invading Earth for 34 years, and most of the planet lies barren and lifeless. Humanity survives in shielded cities, made possible through the brilliance of Dr. Sid.

Hackers (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches The Net, if it was run through eight different filters of the kind of RADICAL that so thoroughly infected the mid-90s. Let's pretend that high schoolers can topple massive conspiracies because they know how to use computers. That's a thing, right?

You wouldn't get it, gramps. Now let's do some sweet kickflips on our skateboards

Overview: Dade Murphy, AKA "Zero Cool", is a young genius who, when he was around 12, crashed over 5,000 computers and, by court order, was forbidden to use a computer or touch-tone phone until he turns 18. Well, he's turned 18, and he's ready to tear things up again.

That's the face of smoldering rage.

The Runner (2015)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches Nicolas Cage's dick lead him to ruin.

No, seriously. That's the entire movie.

Overview: The Great One plays Colin Pryce, an idealistic Louisiana Representative who skyrockets to national attention through his passionate efforts to protect his home state from a Gulf oil spill. Complications occur when the press discovers he's cheating on his wife.

Robot Monster (1953)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex desperately wishes for an hour of his life back.

Yeah, because I was REALLY expecting quality from this, right?

Overview: Our tale begins with Johnny, an all-American youngster who loves science and loves to play space cops. Or something. He's out for a picnic with his annoying little sister, older sister, and mom, when suddenly the setting shifts to a post-apocalyptic world where the fearsome Ro-man has wiped out all other human life, and Johnny and co. are only alive thanks to SCIENCE!

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (2005)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex cartwheels from talking about a movie that was basically softcore porn to a Lifetime original movie about the dangers of porn addiction. Am I going to have way too much fun with this?

You bet yer ass.

Also there's a trailer I guess.

Overview: Justin Petersen is your average, somewhat awkward teenage boy, but all in all he has a decent life. He kicks ass and takes names when it comes to swim meets, he's got a cute girlfriend named Amy, and he's at least respected by most of his classmates. But then came the evils of PORRRRRRN!

Who am I to argue with Google?

009-1: The End of the Beginning (2013)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex watches the strangest softcore porn/spy thriller he's ever seen.

Yes, it's another weird film from our friends in Japan.

Overview: 009-1 is a sexy cyborg agent for the Western Bloc in a future where Japan is cut in half and at war with itself. This femme fatale superspy is tasked to rescue one of the West's foremost scientists by the name of Dr. Klein. Along the way, she finds out more of her conveniently amnesia'ed past.

Waterworld (1995)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex finds the movie supplying a perfect visual summary of itself within its first two minutes.

The jar represents you, the viewer, and the piss represents... well, you get it.

Occasionally, I need an easy target.

Overview: Shitty writing ruins what could have been a fascinating world.

Larry Gaye: Renegade Male Flight Attendant (2015)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex takes in the story of the most punchable face in the history of cinema.

that face begs for a fist

Overview: Larry Gaye is a legend in the airline business, having won the apparently prestigious "Golden Coffee Pot" award five years running. He does the flight attendant thing well, bangs all the ladies, and refuses to settle down. But what's this? Shadowy execs are trying to cut costs by introducing sophisticated, sexy robots to replace flight attendants! Le gasp! Only a Gaye man can stop these sinister she-bots!

heh heh, couldn't resist, there

Vampire's Kiss (1988)

Today on Movie Russian Roulette, Alex revisits a true masterpiece.

yesssssss.

Overview: Peter Lowe is a fucking crazy person who begins to think he's a vampire after a fling with a seductive lady who may or may not be a vampire and may or may not exist. Meanwhile, Lowe is the worst boss ever to an employee. Cage picks the dumbest accent ever to supposedly honor his father. He also rapes somebody.

"You know how it is."